faster pussycat... type! type!

in my hororscope in the october issue of Jane magazine, it says "to you, less is not more, it's less." and boy is that true. i just had to reitterate that.

i've been worrying a lot about money. a whole lot. and shitload of a lot. i really hate money. but not in that, i just want to do without material possessions and be a minimalist way. but in, i want more. i want security and i want the freedom it gives me. freedom to buy toys, freedom to travel, freedom to take care of the ones i love. if that's shallow, than just don't lay face down in me, baby. [because it's been shown that you can drown in 3 inches of water. i think.] i don't fuckin' care if it is shallow. for me to pretend to be feel any differently would be a lie. and which is worse, being what some would consider shallow? or a total and complete fake? i think you know my answer.

i don't think i am a snob. i don't think that i need more and more stuff to make me feel complete. but you know what? i like to buy shoes!! i like it. it's FUN! like... it could be considered a hobby, it's that much fun. the same with books. i could spend hours and hours in bookstores. and happily walk out with a stack of books. and what if i don't get the chance to read them all? so what? i walk out with a stack full of wonder and possibility. and i can sell them at Half Price Books for someone else to enjoy, if i did not.

you know what else i like? i like buying stuff for people. i like to buy them stuff they wouldn't buy themselves. because they can't afford it. or don't know it exists, but i do. and i know it's perfect for them. i'd have to say that is my favorite hobby. buying presents for people.

and now i am in a financial pickle. and i can't do any of those things. and i don't know when i am going to be able to do them again. not for a long time. and i HATE it. it goes against everything i am. i'm not a frugal person. i don't clip coupons and i don't shop sales. [i don't shop sales because i hate crowds of aggressive shoppers. it's unpleasant and detracts from the fun. i'd rather shop online.] i don't want to be this girl i am going to have to be for the next few years. it's that bad. stupid IRS. but it's my own fault.

the only thing i can figure out is, i am going to have to find a way to make money on my own. did i mention that we are going to have lay offs between now and the end of the quarter? yeah. we are. hopefully i'll be fine. but i hate that feeling the entire company has, that worry. i don't want to be dependent on anyone. and the most independent thing i can come up with, that suits me, is a best selling author. that's my plan. i'm going to have to be a best selling author. that's my plan. and maybe i'll get started tonight. after CSI.