faster pussycat... type! type!

i had a pretty crappy week. a week that's left me feeling pretty worthless and ... for lack of a better word, ashamed. ashamed at the messes i create for myself time and time again. the same messes. ashamed of the obstacles i haven't overcome. ashamed of my performance at work. my little domino row of self worth toppled down, with one little flick. it happens like that sometimes. my way of dealing with it is to crawl under the covers, but life rarely lets you do that. so i sat at work and made lists.

luckily, i've been in class the last two days. and i paid attention for as along as i could. but even on the best of circumstances, i have the attention span of a gnat. the class was on project management. and it got much deeper and much more technical than i would ever need. so i started to tune out. plus, every time we broke into groups, it was me and evildeb and two other guys. and they didn't appreciate my sense of humor, so i could hardly be bothered with them, could i? also, i quickly realized i was not going to be a gold star a student, because i could only care so much. and there were people in there who were hoping to make project management THEIR LIFE. seriously. this class was at work, but there were people there who wanted to get Project Management Certification. there's a whole consortium and a test and shit. so i wasn't going to shine. so again... why should i bother.

i made lists after lists after list. all the while, i might add, still paying attention enough to do the exercises and crack the occasional wise comment. i have a rep to protect after all. i made a list of all the ways i suck contrary to popular belief i do not need lisa and arifa to help me with that list. :P and i made lists of all the bills, loans and taxes i was behind on. to be fair, i made a list of all the things i was caught up on. i made a list of all the material things i want in life. thing list varied from an iPod, to new sneakers, to a condo, all the way to a pet dolphin. basically, i was buying time until i came to my natural conclusion that everything was going to be OK.

i haven't gotten there yet. i still feel crappy. i had to pay a tax attorney $650 to help me with my tax problems. and i still will have to deal with the IRS directly, because i can't afford to hire representation. it would be about $2,000 more. andy, my attorney assured me i am not in that much trouble. but he doesn't understand my entire financial crisis. nor are they his wages they are threatening to garnish. he also sad i make too much money for an offer in compromise. which i fail to see how is possible. but i guess the irs doesn't give a shit if you have a $400 car payment. oh yeah, i also filled two notebook pages with the words "i hate the IRS" during class.

so i did the only thing i could do, i did something that required the use of a power tool. NO, get your filthy minds out of the gutter, dear internet friends. although that's not a bad idea, now is it? i installed a new keyboard tray my stepdad gave me. it required the use of a power drill. nothing makes me feel more competent than doing some kind of installation or repair with a power tool all buy myself. the new tray does not fit the spit ergo keyboard i have, but it's workable, if a bit precarious. better than the other one. i think it will be much more comfortable. it must be, look at how much i've written. i've not blogged at home in weeks, because the other tray made things so uncomfortable. hmmmm.... watch out world, a best selling novel might come out of me yet!!