faster pussycat... type! type!

C'malong, Dexter, I know a formula that's said to pop the pennies off the eyelids of dead Irishmen.

I've realized something rather disappointing. I'm a big fan of Laurel K. Hamilton's Anita Blake series. Of course I am.. a vampire hunter... please. And sexy Jean Claude and Asher? Anyway, I cannot resist those books. They are like candy. The other series, the Merry Gentry series I just like. I don't buy hard back, but I will buy paperback. This time, with the Merry Gentry book that was just released a few weeks, I am listening to the audio book. Smart like fox, I put my name on the hold list at the library, before they even had them in. Several people had already put the book on hold, it would take months for your turn to come around. But no one had put the audio book on hold. Foolish readers. So I've been listening to the book on my commute. In my car. And that is why, because I am listening, not reading, that I have learned something disappointing.

You can't skim when listening to an audio book, like I have a tendency to do. I suppose you could advance tracks, but that is not the same as skimming, and I don't do it. So, while listening, you hear every single word, every description, every conversation, you can't miss anything. In doing so, I have figured out the formula to write a Merry Gentry book. It's so repetitive and predictable, it's annoying. Perhaps the other books did not do this, the first two. And I have actually listened to one of the Anita Blake books, "Cerulean Sins" and it did not follow this formula. Or at least I didn't notice it. I have a hard time believing that I would not have.

First, take an object or event. You can combine them, for example Pru, walking into a room.

On delicate kitten feet, Prudence walked into the kitchen. She moved her head from side to side, her crystal green cat eyes taking in all that surrounded her. I watched her, from my kitchen chair.

Ok, good. Now I have to describe what I see.

She looked up at me. IT WAS AS IF[very important element] her green eyes were made of the brightest emeralds. A green to shame all other gemstones. Even the rarest of diamonds could not compare to the jewels of her eyes.

Now, is a good time to react to what I see.

I felt a shock all the way to the very core of my body. Her eyes held such power, such strength, I did not know if I could bare it. I wanted to look away, to break the hold she had upon me, but I could not. IT WAS AS IF she held my will in her paws, I had no choice but to obey her command. And I would be happy to do it, so strong was my devotion, at this moment, in her power, that I would move heaven itself to give her whatever she wanted. Her desires were mine, they were tied together with shining bands of titanium. Intertwined so completely that no mortal power could break them. Completely dependent upon each, I no longer saw them as separate entities. They were as one. A shiver ran down my spine, and my body trembled. I drew a shaky breath and waited to hear her request, her deepest wish would be my soul's command.

"Feed me" She said.

Her is the important thing to notice. When describing things, you must use hyperbole of such exaggerated heights, it is as if your words could reach into the sky and touch the brightest star, not shrinking back form it's heat, but absorbing it, drinking it in, and returning all that shining glory to the page. Second thing to notice, use "it was as if" constantly. So much so that I have begun to cringe, when I hear it come out of the narrator's mouth. Sort of like when you notice a public speakers "umm's," their stalls, and then you cannot miss them. They distract you from the speech, and you swear if you hear him say "umm" one more time, your brain will split in two and a shriek of such ferocity will spill from your ruby red lips that they will shudder in hell, and they will write of this day. They day a woman's scream thundered through the barren souls in hell, shook it's foundation, and gave pause to the Devil himself.

Then you just take that formula and do it over and over. That way, the action can move very very slowly. Mix well, and bake at 666 degrees in preheated oven.

And yes, I feel a bit bad for the above. For I truly do enjoy her books, and I am very much caught up in the story of the thing. If I had been reading, instead of listening, I would have skimmed over a great deal of what I found annoying. But I can't. I'm trapped. It was as if i were held in a ......

Posted by jodi at mars 19, 2004 07:20 PM

you crack me up.

i've only read the anita books. and haven't noticed this formula before. but i know its there. and i'm sure i'll notice it while reading the next book. so thank you for that :P

Posted by: loon at mars 19, 2004 09:45 PM

sorry kid... but i had to say it. i walked in the door tonight, from my car, with my teeth clenched together from hearing the phrase "it was as if" over and over and over and over. and i just wanted to know what was happening in the STORY!! REMEMBER THE STORY?? THE PLOT? the thing that drives you to finish the book. SO YOU CAN FIND OUT WHAT HAPPENS?

also, as i read back over my example of the formula, i can see i did not coat words with enough hyperbole. visual images should be dripping down over each phrase, like golden honey mined from a beehive in heaven. the angel's honey. GOD's sweet nectar.

Posted by: jodi at mars 19, 2004 11:49 PM

that was hilarious.

Posted by: arifa at mars 20, 2004 05:10 PM

Jodi, I love you. I truly, just, love you. Thank you for making me laugh.

Posted by: Sarah at mars 22, 2004 09:00 AM

and i love YOU, sarah.

15 hours and 12 discs later i am finally done with the story. the entire thing did not span a full 48 hours of merry gentry's life. the bulk of the action fell in the last 1/4 of the book. >:|

will i read the next merry gentry book? probably. because deep down in all that psychodelic discription is a good story. i probably won't LISTEN to the next one, however.

and i wait, with great eagerness, for the next anita blake book this october.

Posted by: jodi at mars 22, 2004 06:39 PM