faster pussycat... type! type!

She's not only my dental hygienist, she's also my mother.

My mom Pattie may not be the dental hygienist to the stars, but she is the dental hygienist to the very very rich and famous. She knows teeth like no one's business. Except maybe her sisters' business, because they are both hygienists as well. Scary. Anyway, I had my teeth cleaned today, so I asked my mom to clarify something for me, regarding plaque. Is plaque a waste product, like, say, urine?

Mom: Nooo, not really.
Me: what is it?
Mom: Plaque is the combination of bacteria in your mouth and food particles. The bacteria digests the food, and emits an acid. It's the acid that affects the gums and teeth.
Me: no urine?
Mom: Well, a crude way to put it would be the bacteria eats the food in your mouth and goes potty on your teeth.
Me: wow! potty!
Mom: the more refined sugar, the amount of bacteria increases, and the more acid it emits.
Me: refined sugar = more bacteria and more potty. kinda like a kegger!

When the Dr. came in, I explained to him how the bacteria eats the food and goes potty on your teeth. He said, "some kind of weird hygienist must have told you that." You know it, doc! Later...

Mom: when you think how hard enamel is, to think their are bugs that can release this acid that will eat...
Me: HANG ON!! You didn't say anything about bugs!
Mom: bacteria bugs. When we explain it to children, we call them Sugar Bugs.
Me: sugar bugs doesn't sound so bad. kinda like candy.
Mom: but they're not. In fact, they are spiders, Jodi. Tiny spiders all over your teeth, going potty.
Me: AAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!! SPIDERS!!!

When I have a nightmare tonight, about tiny spiders in my teeth, I am calling her to let her know. Only a mother would know just what kind of bug to mention to really freak you out. Some kind of weird hygienist, indeed.

Posted by jodi at mars 7, 2005 09:37 PM

what is it with moms? my mom once freaked me out and kind of pointed at me like there was a bug on my shoulder. i lost it and started taking off my shirt right there! this was only a few years ago. thankfully, no one else was around. i have got to stop commenting. i'm supposed to be working!

Posted by: arifa at mars 8, 2005 12:07 AM

Tiny spiders... On my teeth... Goin' potty... Eatin' beef...

Tiny Spiders... Makin' plaque... Get my toothbrush... I'll attack...

(sung to the tune of Don Ho's classic, "Tiny Bubbles")

Posted by: Thomas at mars 8, 2005 05:49 AM

i have a cleaning appointment in an hour! strange. not too worried about plaque making bugs. just want to keep my teeth and gums for a long time.

Posted by: river selkie at mars 8, 2005 08:01 AM

aaack... spiders.

thomas, when telling my co-workers all about the tiny spiders going potty in their mouths, i sang your little song to them. they proclaimed it genius.

i did not dream about spiders, i dreamed about trying to buy a pair of pants, but my credit card was refused.... in three different stores. how very boring.

Posted by: Jodi at mars 8, 2005 12:03 PM

Your mom rocks the planet.

I bet there are tiny spider condos in your molars, where the spiders have tiny pool parties with fruity drinks.

Posted by: Lisa at mars 8, 2005 12:07 PM

moms definitely know how to freak you out about bugs. once, when i was little, i woke up to find a bug crawling across my face. i freaked, naturally. and as i was coming to terms with a bug being on my face my mom kindly points out 'it was probably trying to keep warm in your nose while you were sleeping.' gee, thanks mom. hadn't thought about that!

Posted by: loon at mars 8, 2005 03:02 PM

oh my god... i am so grossed out and laughing hysterically all at the same time! LOL. i went to the dentist just a little over a week ago... i have a cavity. :( i guess i let too many bugs go potty on my teeth. i was letting them have too many keggers.

HA!!! that image just cracks me up!

seriously though... i am totally flossing every day now. i don't want any more spiders going potty on my teeth...

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAaa..... (i'm laughing about the image in my head... i'm not laughing at flossing)

Posted by: Judy at mars 9, 2005 11:21 AM