faster pussycat... type! type!

Is there a larger model for the obese?

do you remember that scene in buffy... season five, in which glory RIPS the wall off tara and willow's dorm room, to find willow, puddin' headed tara, buffy and dawn inside eating sandwiches? the entire exterior wall.... their something story dorm room is exposed to the world. i wish i could do that to my apartment tonight. it's a very cool summer and dark summer night out there. i would love to have that cool and dark in here. there is more than breeze... there is practically wind. it's delightful. but my easy bake casita is stuffy. blah. i should live in a garage.

pru and i did not have a good day yesterday. i had the day off, and i had many things to do. at nine, i took lola the sparkling gold princess comfort cruiser to the dealer, to get one of my prepaid oil changes. they were supposed to be done at 9:45, so i could make my 10:10 dentist appointment. at 10:15, they were explaining to me how my front brakes were metal on metal, and why didn't i come back, tomorrow, with $220+ and leave lola with them all day, so they could fix it. great, fine, i think i have $220 in change in my sofa cushions. i so do not have that money. blah. then, i got a filling. my first since i was a little kid. and you know what? while not excruciatingly painful, it's not at all pleasant. i was well on my way to crabby. shanti, my 'waxing artist" was doing my brows, and i was explaining to her why it had been so long, and one thing lead to another, so i sorta explained to her how the IRS wants my blood. now shanti feels sorry for me too.

last but not least, i had to take pru for her 1 year well-kitty checkup with her vet, my uncle. you simply cannot beat free vet care. you can't. wait, you can too, free AND first rate vet care. my uncle has a pet peeve, so to speak, with fat pets. with good reason. most people have spent far too much time watching disney movies, and sleeping with stuffed animals. they think that a fat, rolly polly pet is a happy, healthy pet. and it just ain't true. this is especially the case with bunnies. and my uncle does a lot of bunny care. in reality, a healthy bunny would seem a bit skinny to us. anyway, pru did NOT enjoy her trip to the vet. she HISSED repeatedly at the vet tech who was trying to give her a pedicure. i was so surprised, because baby kitty is such a fastidious groomer, you would think she'd enjoy getting her nails done. not so. then my uncle came in and pronounced her OBESE. and her mood quickly deteriorated even further. he even wrote the word in her chart.

first of all, pru is not obese. she is BARELY on the tubby side, maybe. i've seen fat cats. i've owned fat cats. my cat is not obese. luckily, i have installed the nelson family filter, and i am able to process this piece of information accordingly. once, after recently taking the B in for a checkup, i told my aunt that she was pronounced FAT. and she said, of course she's fat... they're ALL fat. so ok, pru is in danger of being fat. that's what it really means. and it means that the next time i buy pru chow, i will get the kind for cats who need to watch their figure.

pru was pissed. i told my uncle that he should have started the exam by saying how pretty she was, so, in concession, he spoke of how remarkably intricate and beautiful the faces of tabby cats were. nice save. didn't help. pru has been pissy the last 24 hours. i also think the vaccinations made her feel poopy. my mouth was sore and she felt poopy.

it wasn't our best day.

Posted by jodi at 09:47 PM | Comments (3)

Let me finish my sandwich first, then I will face my only fear.

hello!

multi-tasking. eating my sammich and blogging. it's lunchtime and i've got a sammich from the fresh market and a peach snapple ice tea. can't beat that, can you?

problem is, i have no good stories for you today. that's not to say that the stories i tell the other days are especially good. but in my own, delusional mind, they are at least entertaining. to me.

shoot. what should i do? should i make something up? should i tell you a good story from the past? or should i crash on the beanbag chair and relax during my lunch hour?

take a guess which one i am picking....

Posted by jodi at 09:41 AM | Comments (0)

Beyond these doors is an agony worse than all others. You will remain in here for eternity listening to... whiny protest songs from the Sixties.

mr. moon sent out an email today. a broadcast email. it seems mrs. moon made a request for a cd of music, to play after the birth of baby moon. which i think is in october? [there are a lot pregnant people around here, i get confused.] so anyway, this is what mr. moon said:

"so i got to thinking yesterday at work while trying to ignore my co-worker's constant complaining, "what songs would you like to hear on your first day of LIFE?" so after about 4 hours, I came up with a list of about 265 songs. but i was wondering what my friends/family might want to hear on their first days of LIFE - so i am now asking you for your help in this matter."

i was going to tell him i don’t have time for that shit, man. i’m very very very busy and extremely popular, and my opinion is sought by many. but that is not really true, because anyone who knows me knows that a: i'd rather compile a list of songs than do any number of chores that make up my day and b: i have a soft spot for mr. moon. ON THE TOP OF MY HEAD!

so i was compiling some songs. i have not even looked at his list, because i didn't want it to sway me. and i thought to myself, you know who has good taste? my dear internet friends, that's who. you wanna submit some songs? i'll compile everyone's songs together, and i will post the list. and then i will make mr. moon come read it, because he never reads my blog anyway, and so this will make him read it. for all he knows, i am saying awful and horrific things about him behind his back. he don't know. i could be. i'm like that.

ps: fee not only LIKES ME, she can't live without me. it's true. coooooo-dependent.

pps: feel free to email me your songs, if you are shy.

Posted by jodi at 03:13 PM | Comments (0)

Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be normal.

ack!! the punchiness is setting in! you know... the part where you get all hyper and you can't sit still and you can't shut up. the punchiness that comes with lack of sleep. i am going a million miles a minute, man. whooooooosh! ok.. i exaggerated. not a million miles. i'm not having a manic moment. but i am a little hyper. , dear internet friends. and because i am not receiving replies on my emails fast enough, and there are no new posts on the 'brain for me to respond to, and tony isn't here for me to shoot rubber bands it, and evildeb is at drawing class all day....i have to take it out on you.

after the punchiness comes the crash. i HATE the crash.

Posted by jodi at 09:05 AM | Comments (5)

Maybe I'm not evil. But I don't think I can be good.

romy and judes, it warms my heart to assist you in the moral decline of your sims. your sims and my sims should meet up at the strip club and hang out. get something pierced.

today i woke at 2:45 am, and never went back to sleep. painful. so i laid there and day dreamed. well, pre-dawn dreamed. and then i got up and moseyed about the casita. engaged in an epic battle with pru, over a green ball covered in twine. it has a bell in it! i let her win. but made sure she paid for it, i got in a whole bunch of tummy rubs before i surrendered. finally, i gave up. came to work at 6. and here i am. *working.*

you know what the great thing is, about coming in at 6? 10 am is halfway through your day. you can go get an EGG MCMUFFIN for lunch! how awesome is that? i'm so having an e mcmuff for lunch.

somebody kill me now... i'm tired.

Posted by jodi at 07:13 AM | Comments (2)

i knew there was a reason i liked you people...

so your sims are in desperate need of porn, eh? hey... it's understandable. we have needs.

the site is called the 8th deadly sim and it IS a pay site. but it's only $3.50 from paypal for a month of unlimited downloads. the bars and cash registers have been converted for the mac, which i like. you can have a slum hotel, complete with drug paraphanaliaalskdfjaow, a movie theatre, a porn shop, strip club or a hooters. i think that's it. there are strippers and cage dancers to download. i haven't installed everything yet. i have some things i need to convert. and i'm not simming tonight. or tomorow. maybe wednesday?

ok. i have to go. i am in desperate need of lemon snickerdoodles. i'm off to the grocery store!!!

whoooooosh!!

Posted by jodi at 08:13 PM | Comments (2)

I swear you two are living testimony to the fact that it's better to be lucky than smart!

liloo and fee. you two are so lucky to have me. why i'd bet you sit around and thank your lucky stars, each and every night for the gift that is my friendship and attention.
........... *snort* ok. maybe not. but you ARE lucky.

anyway, the yahoo group is no longer able to ignore me. my charms have worked their magic. you knew it would happen. how could it not?

played a lot of sims this weekend. maybe i'll write some sim stories later. for some reason, i had a lot of kitchen fires this weekend. in the sims. not in real life. to have one in RL i'd probably have to cook something. ewwwwww... i also spent a lot of time downloading new furniture, objects, heads, outfits and such. because the creation and decorating part is the best part. there is one website in which you can download all the makings for a porn shop and a strip club. don't you know my sim downtown NEEDS these kinds of diversions? it does. my sims needed a little spice in their lives. NOBODY is getting any, since hot date - it's much more difficult to get the point where someone likes you enough to have sex with you. takes patience. i don't have that. so PORN IT IS!!

hooray!!

ps: liloo... my muse sounds like fun! i hope she takes me with her next time.

Posted by jodi at 11:09 AM | Comments (2)

If I were a better person, I'd ignore her and go on with my life. But I'm not.

feequote: they know how to ignore you? man, maybe i should talk to them and find out how.

i asked for that, didn't i? well someone responded to me!! she commented on my email address. me@jodiferous.com. so there. i feel a lot of love all of the sudden. ha!

i was trying to work on my character profile, but my muse is very quiet. i think the muse had too much dr. pepper today and she is crashing.

Posted by jodi at 08:44 PM | Comments (1)

Has the whole world gone crazy? Am I the only one who pays attention to the rules any more?

making new friends is hard. i joined this yahoo group, because that is where the naughty fan fiction. and by naughty, i mean i feel kinda naughty reading it. like it's wrong somehow. however, some of it is naughty in the sense that it is restricted to people aged 18 over. i feel no more naughty reading than the clean stuff. it's fan fiction in general. anyway, some of it is very very very good. i'm in the group. and i've replied to a couple of posts, or made comments. i've even emailed an author directly to tell her how much i loved her stuff. and no one responds to me. ever. no matter how charming i am. it's like.... i'm invisible. but i see my posts. they are there. and so i got all huffy and decided to go back to lurking, and pouting. this is a very active group, it's not like i am trying to get people all chatty, when they are not. it's like i'm just... not there. but then today something inspired me to comment. i can't help it. but no responses. i'd assume that i'm very unlikable and not funny or entertaining. but we know that's not true. ;)

it's them. isn't it? yeah... i knew it.

it's overcast and mild here today and i so happy about it. it's filled me with about 10x's my normal energy. i hope that lasts until i get home. so i can get things done. the energy is not working well with my focus disabilities. so i'm a bit scattered. if i was doing something physical right now, instead of working, i'd be getting a ton done. wheeeeeee!!!!

response to romy
they've got us by the sort and curlies, kid. don't sacrifice the a/c.

response to fee
dude... thanks for the inside skinny of terrorists!! that's good to know. thank god i have terrorist friends.

Posted by jodi at 10:51 AM | Comments (2)

SPECTRE. Special Executive for Counter Intelligence, Terrorism, Revenge, Extortion. The four great cornerstones of power headed by the greatest brains in the world

last night i suffered from the Great Blackout 2003!! is that what they are calling it? what did they call it? i didn't bother to really pay attention. i'll call it The Extended Period of Time without Electricity 2003! because, it's possible that the origin of the EPOTWE 2003, for me, was different. i, for one, think it was indeed terrorist activity. [ok, i know i said i didn't pay attention to the blackout, but how come they can know FOR SURE that it's not a terrorist attack, and yet not know what caused it? "oh, we don't know why it happened, but we KNOW it wasn't terrorists!!" just curious] anyway, the terrorist group responsible for the EPOTWE 2003 is known as the PSE. Puget Sound Electricity... i think. i was the victim of their GUERILLA WARFARE tactics because i FAILED TO COMPLY with their payment demands. they wanted my complete and abject loyalty and obedience. and anyone who knows me, knows i don't hang with terrorists. i mean... look at me and the IRS... we are still at war. so basically, my way of thinking, i would respond to their demands when i was good and ready, or i remembered... whichever came last.

well, their EXTORTION METHODS are many, and they are painful, people. i came home to absolute silence. and darkness. except for the fact that the sun was still out. but OTHER THAN THAT. it was pretty dang dim. so i called them up and i said, "fine. here. take your measly $126 and stuff it up your power cord!" i was told that they worked until 9, and my power should be turned back on tonight.

never have felt so isolated. so cut off. why... it seemed like only moments ago i was in the car... with a/c... and music. and now i was plunged into a dark tunnel of loneliness. i flopped down on the bed, lying on my back, arms and legs stretched out.
"this is boring," i said to pru.
"tell me something i don't know," she said, taking a moment to stretch herself out on the window sill,
"alright! did you know that there actually is no such animal as a panther, in so far as..."
"YES!! i do know. you told me all about it. panthera is a genus blah blah blah. i am a cat you know."
"ooooooo-kay. i'm going to the movies."
"fine. go. give me a kiss goodbye before you go." *kiss* " THANK YOU!"

so i spent $8.25 of my hardly earned money and went to see tomb raider. which i enjoyed very much because a: i like treasure hunt adventures, b: i like it when girls kick ass and c: i like angelina jolie, now that she's not hooked up with billy bob. they were weird together. it creeped me out.

when i got home, after 10 pm my power was NOT on. so pru and i played with flashlights, and then i went to bed. i was certain i would not be able to sleep, as it was too quiet and the air was too still without the fans. in fact, i was giving myself 20 more minutes before i gave up and went to the 24 hour walgreens to wander about, when i fell asleep. woke up at 4:50 am. i was going to come into work at 6, but like i told evildeb, lying in bed and staring at the ceiling is infinitely more interesting in the early morning, than it is in the early evening. i came in at 7:30.

i'm still ashamed of giving in to the the PSE's terrorist methods. but i hope my power is on when i get home. now i have to through away everything in my fridge. not an entirely bad idea anyway. i just hope my thomas kemper grape soda doesn't spoil.

Posted by jodi at 01:35 PM | Comments (2)

I'll give you 10 dollars for a verbal response! 10 dollars! Anybody want to make 10 dollars and respond verbally? No?

romy: i forgot to eat my lunch. i was so busy, and then i was in two consecutive meetings, during which i could not eat stinky lunch, and by the time i got out, it was sorta too late to eat it. then i went home and fell asleep, so i didn't eat any pizza for dinner either. but TONIGHT i am eating stinky pizza for dinner.

fee: my dad took a bet which involved eating a large number of pizzas. he won the bet, but lost his taste for pizza, we'd have it for dinner whenever he was out of town or at a business dinner. however, my dad would eat things like sweetbreads and frog legs and stuff. he'd eat brains from monkeys i am sure, before he would have eaten a pizza. he was a freak.

liloo: lucy is the main character. she is named after moür moür, because, as it turns out, my relationship with moür moür is one of the main sources of inspiration for the story. that's not the way it started, so it's sort of a surprise to me. but i've given up fighting it. lucy mae teagan. that's her full name. and that is all i am saying for now.

Posted by jodi at 03:20 PM | Comments (6)

All I wanted was to have some pizza, hang out with dad, and not let your weirdness mess up my day!

i always miss my father in august. his birthday was/is the 28th. plus, you know, i spent my summers at his house, when i was growing up. anyway, remember that pizza i mentioned on friday? the genius pizza? i'm having another one tonight. because i don't have anything in the house that doesn't need to be cooked in an oven, or at least microwaved. and it's too hot. plus, this means i have a ready made lunch for tomorrow. ready made STINK BOMB BREATH lunch for tomorrow. doesn't get better than that. ironically, my father HATED pizza.

i ate more this weekend then i normally eat in an entire week. i ate like a pig. it can mean only one thing, proof of my womanhood is eminent. yee-haw!! i'm not particularly grumpy. but i will eat your face off if you get too close.

i stayed home today with a migraine. it wasn't a HUGE one. we pronounce those, the lesser migraine, MEE-GRAINES. so i had myself a meegraine. i knew it was coming sunday afternoon. i knew it was caused by the combination of my own fucked up life, and the immense amount of whelm i feel at work right now. the dread of it. 80% of all my migraines hit on a monday morning. since i've started taking beta blockers, 90% of the migraines are caused by stress i figure. the beta blockers help prevent the others. and they've done a great job. i get fewer of them, and the ones i get hurt less. this mornings was a particularly light sensitive one. i figure that was it's evil meegraine sense of humor. because it was a bright and sunny and hot morning, and i have eastern exposure.

but i'm a professional, i know what to do, i took a shower, i called into work, i put a sleep mask over my eyes and took a pill that was guaranteed to knock me out. [always keep horse tranquilizers on hand. on of my many migraine treatment secrets.] i woke up at 1ish this after noon feeling groggy but better. i didn't go to work because i had a 5:00 appt with ma petite mère to have my mes petites dents cleaned. here at the east side. i would have had to leave work at 4ish anyway. plus, i was feeling groggy and weird. which is not uncommon at the end of a migraine.

i have some thoughts about this summer, i'm ready for it to end, despite my love of wearing as little clothing as possible. it's been a hot one. and i don't approve of it. but i can't really talk about it. because my pizza is here. pizza makes me believe in the Creation Story, aka: adam and eve. because only God could create something so wonderful and perfect as pizza.

for those of you who commented that i was not crazy for having conversations iwth lucy in my head, thank you. that is her name, lucy. she IS named after moür moür. lucy, however, says i'm daft.

Posted by jodi at 07:02 PM | Comments (4)

You know I love listening to you talk. I hate living with you but your conversation is first rate.

i was working on my character profile last night. for the main character in the story i am going to write in november, come NaNoWriMo. did i mention i have the last week of november off. i think i did. let me check the archives. no. ok. yes. i took the m-w before thanksgiving off. and the following monday, which is the first of dec. in case i need to recover. because, knowing me, i'll be writing up until the last second.

but that wasn't the point, the point was, i was writing a character profile. i read somewhere, and this makes sense, that the better you know your characters, the easier the story will flow. since my story isn't about fee, i figured i had to get to know my character. i've never written a character profile before, so i started off with a sort of info sheet style. you know, name, age, DOB, parents... that sort of thing. which branched out into favorite color, hobbies,favorite beverage, least favorite holiday, favorite number. important things like that. then i just started having a conversation with her. on paper. just shooting the breeze, asking her some questions, answering some of her questions. now i am having conversations with her in my head. and i am wondering... is that a good thing or a bad ting?

Posted by jodi at 03:07 PM | Comments (2)

Forecast for tomorrow; A few sprinkles of genius with a chance of doom!

bonjour, mes amis digitaux minuscules. bienvenue au week-end ! !

romy and fee, i did not win the lottery. but neither did anyone else, so that's just an extra million for us!! liloo... you'd better find a way to get on my good side by saturday evening. that's when i'll be winning my millions. just so you know, romy, fee, evildeb and co-worker molly will all be accompanying me to a spa for a few days when i win. molly and i have already made this agreement. we'll be flying first class. you don't want to miss out on that do you?

speaking of evildeb, they FINALLY FINALLY FINALLY hired a 3rd person for my team! they've offered the job to evildeb! after three freakin' months, we finally have a new person for product team. just to differentiate from my entire team, which consists of people who support other products than i, and my entire dept which, as a whole, supports everything. anyway, she'll officially be back on the team/team/dept at the end of the month. and then i shall make her life a living hell. but that's what she's expecting, so don't feel sorry for her.

i have no real plans this weekend. except i have a lot of laundry to do. i may go over to the EvilHouse tomorrow evening. i want to wash my car. i have to work on tax paperwork. oh my life is so exciting i can barely stand it. and i have bookclub this sunday evening. and i haven't started the book. i should do that now.

ok.. i go. but i have to tell you, i am eating the BEST PIZZA right now. it's a pagliacci's cheese pizza with the additional GENIUS toppings of garlic and feta cheese. that was my idea. i'm the GENIUS part. it's soooo good and my breath is soooo stinky. i'm going to go breath on pru now.

Posted by jodi at 04:03 PM | Comments (0)

Right now I'm a little overwhelmed by the STINK of the seven tons of garbage that you drove us into!!!

hey. i kinda feel like freaking out about work right now. unfortunately, i can't freak out specifically unless every single one of you dear internet friends agrees to sign an NDA. and that just seems like an administration nightmare. so i'll just have to say I'M OVERWHELMED!!! but it's not a kind of stress that fires me up, and gets me going. it's the kind of stress that is making me tired and little bit bitter. oh woe is jodi. that's way i'm blogging. because it's easier than hunting down the people who keep piling on the work and PUNCHING THEM. you always have to have "the talk" with HR after you punch coworkers and i am so tired of "the talk." i get it already ... hitting is bad.

but if one more person says to me "yeah but THIS is important..." i cannot guarantee that i will not rock 'em sock 'em and then ROBOT them.

ok, i am trying - desperately - to find the song "red tape" by agent provocateur, which is played towards the end of the full length trailer for underworld. at least i know the name now. the only place i can find it is a cyrillicish web site. i *think* i am downloading a file? but i'm not sure. i get a page of code, and then a 4.7mb mp3 file tries to download, but times out eventually. it's planning to take hours. i'm trying a different browser now, it's a 77.4kb of 4.7mb, with over 4 hours to go. because it's only getting 350 BYTES per/sec. it really is coming from russia or something. what's the country code "md" stand for? anyway, i assume it's legal, because it's letting me do it. but it is in another language.

if you have a copy of the song, and you want to be my best friend, give it to meeeeee!! and believe me, you want to be my best friend because i am going to win the lottery tonight. 32 million. who wants to befriend a millionaire, baby? YOU DO!!!

Posted by jodi at 02:40 PM | Comments (8)

damn dirty apes.

i was just out running some errands. it's very very grey, stormy grey. and while it LOOKS fall, it doesn't have the nip in the air to FEEL it. it's breezy and mild. it's pretty dark, for 8:30, but the days are getting shorter and shorter, aren't they?

anyway, i was out running errands and three things happened to me that made me think there is an odd vibe in the air tonight. ok, one thing made me think there was an odd vibe. one thing just annoyed me, and the other just disturbed me slightly. first, i stopped at the gas station. to get gas. duh. and i was inside, buying a soda pop. i was behind two people, in line, who only seemed to speak spanish. they were having a repetative conversation, about phone cards. this woman came up and got some gum and shoved her way in front of the couple in line to get her money on the counter. as she did that, the couple moved away, essentially putting her in front of me. she cut. she was a CUTTER. so i started giving her THAT LOOK. the one you can feel someone give you, even if you aren't looking at them. she turned to look at me, and my LOOK. and i said as sweetly as possible, "because your gum purchase is more important than my soda pop purchase, why?"

i hate cutters.

as i was driving down the road from the gas station, i saw a guy walking down the street in jeans, a sweatshirt, and a full planet of the apes mask. covered his whole head. i kid you not. just ambling on down the sidewalk.

then i was coming out of a store, and i saw a truck with business info painted on it for "the mole guys." had a little picture of a mole which said, "got moles?" underneath it. well this was an open bed truck and it was just full of nasty, rusty, sharp and deadly traps. i don't know what i was thinking they'd do with the moles. i guess i didn't really think they transplanted them to a mole reserve somewhere. but the sight of all those traps... there was something kinda ... grody about it.

speaking of grody, the elevator in my apartment building smells like dirty diapers tonight. but, on a positive side, i did a load of a laundry so now i DO have clean underpants in many colors. as well as a clean sheets to put on the bed. hooray.

oh, and the current winner of the Cheapest Nekkid Dance is romy, at a thousand. since writing that question, i've come to realize that i, too, am a cheap nekkid dancer, and i'd have to say that for a thousand, you could probably have a choice between me and romy.

Posted by jodi at 08:48 PM | Comments (1)

The spirit is willing, but the flesh is spongy and bruised.

ok, liloo, this made me laugh:

The many way Jodi falls down" seems to glow with inner life.

because it's true. i tried to explain that to my therapist once. i told her about the time i was standing on the sidewalk, at the curb, waiting for the cross walk, and i just spontaneously tripped. even thought i was standing still. and because i had my good camera around my neck, i fell all the way over, because i was using my hands to protect it, and didn't catch my fall. and i think it made her sort of sad. but i've come to terms with it, for the most part.

also, regarding the clean underpants. that is where you are WRONG! i have ZERO clean underpants. i need to do laundry soooo bad. right now, i am wearing the "only when i need to do laundry" underpants. the kind that make you drive carefully because you don't want to get in a car wreck with these particular underpants on. i do have two more pair, they are days of the week kitty cat thong underpants. i don't know what days are left. but for some outfits, that's just not appropriate.

don't worry, internet friends, i'm obligated to feel better. first, fee reminded me, in less than a month, i will be seeing my boyfriend, eddie izzard here in seattle. and in a little more than a month, i'll see him again, in LA. with fee and h'wee and kam! wheeeee! and, in fact, when i was in class with evildeb, i showed her the tickets for the seattle show, tucked safely away in my franklin covey ® brain. just to keep our spirits up.

secondly, i must have seemed pretty down, because deb took me to the spa yesterday and got me a massage. she got herself a massage too. i told her not to be ridiculous, that she didn't need to take me to the spa. but i only said that about 2.3 times, and not with my most resolute voice. so... off to the spa we went! this spa is called sanctuary. it's wonderful. they those showers. you know? the steam showers with all the shower heads coming at you from all directions. they have you take one before, and then i took another after. they had the best hair products in there too. those showers might be better than sex. depends on if you are getting any, i suppose. god i love those showers. in fact, in my list of material possessions i want, i had one of those showers.

the massage therapist beat the shit out of me too. which i like. what's the point of getting a massage, unless you get the hurt out? but my arms are major sore!! she did things to my arms no massage therapist has ever done before. i feel bruised, but she didn't leave any marks. ninja massage therapist.

so, as you can see, i'm obligated to snap out of it. because i have all these fucking BLESSINGS. you know? yeah... i'm working on it. don't worry.

Posted by jodi at 12:13 PM | Comments (1)

bring lawyers, guns and money ... and get me outta here!!

i had a pretty crappy week. a week that's left me feeling pretty worthless and ... for lack of a better word, ashamed. ashamed at the messes i create for myself time and time again. the same messes. ashamed of the obstacles i haven't overcome. ashamed of my performance at work. my little domino row of self worth toppled down, with one little flick. it happens like that sometimes. my way of dealing with it is to crawl under the covers, but life rarely lets you do that. so i sat at work and made lists.

luckily, i've been in class the last two days. and i paid attention for as along as i could. but even on the best of circumstances, i have the attention span of a gnat. the class was on project management. and it got much deeper and much more technical than i would ever need. so i started to tune out. plus, every time we broke into groups, it was me and evildeb and two other guys. and they didn't appreciate my sense of humor, so i could hardly be bothered with them, could i? also, i quickly realized i was not going to be a gold star a+ student, because i could only care so much. and there were people in there who were hoping to make project management THEIR LIFE. seriously. this class was at work, but there were people there who wanted to get Project Management Certification. there's a whole consortium and a test and shit. so i wasn't going to shine. so again... why should i bother.

i made lists after lists after list. all the while, i might add, still paying attention enough to do the exercises and crack the occasional wise comment. i have a rep to protect after all. i made a list of all the ways i suck contrary to popular belief i do not need lisa and arifa to help me with that list. :P and i made lists of all the bills, loans and taxes i was behind on. to be fair, i made a list of all the things i was caught up on. i made a list of all the material things i want in life. thing list varied from an iPod, to new sneakers, to a condo, all the way to a pet dolphin. basically, i was buying time until i came to my natural conclusion that everything was going to be OK.

i haven't gotten there yet. i still feel crappy. i had to pay a tax attorney $650 to help me with my tax problems. and i still will have to deal with the IRS directly, because i can't afford to hire representation. it would be about $2,000 more. andy, my attorney assured me i am not in that much trouble. but he doesn't understand my entire financial crisis. nor are they his wages they are threatening to garnish. he also sad i make too much money for an offer in compromise. which i fail to see how is possible. but i guess the irs doesn't give a shit if you have a $400 car payment. oh yeah, i also filled two notebook pages with the words "i hate the IRS" during class.

so i did the only thing i could do, i did something that required the use of a power tool. NO, get your filthy minds out of the gutter, dear internet friends. although that's not a bad idea, now is it? i installed a new keyboard tray my stepdad gave me. it required the use of a power drill. nothing makes me feel more competent than doing some kind of installation or repair with a power tool all buy myself. the new tray does not fit the spit ergo keyboard i have, but it's workable, if a bit precarious. better than the other one. i think it will be much more comfortable. it must be, look at how much i've written. i've not blogged at home in weeks, because the other tray made things so uncomfortable. hmmmm.... watch out world, a best selling novel might come out of me yet!!

Posted by jodi at 10:36 PM | Comments (3)

I'd sooner puke my intestines and snorkel in them than see you naked.

so yesterday fee brought up the following discussion, on the brain: is homosexuality genetic, or is it environmental? you know... nature vs. nurture. i asked someone gay why he was gay. and he said that he didn't know and he didn't care. reading between the lines i believe he was also saying "i just thank god everyday that i am." oh, and he was also saying "not that it's any of your business." but that's never stopped me before. so it turned into a bit of a discussion. because it was after 4pm and no one really wanted to work anymore. somehow the discussion turned into "how much money would it take to get you to do a little dance - completely nekkid?" lloyd once did it for 20 bucks. but he was drunk and in college. who HASN'T done a nekkid dance for $20 when they were in college? we started at a million and worked our way down. but i haven't found that magic number yet. i was still saying yes at 25k. but i'd probably say no for 10k. but i'm not sure. in that case, i'm not really sure. i could really use 10k. it also depends on who is there. i'm not proud - i need money. money could fix some of my problems right now. and it's not like i'm hiding anything with the clothes i wear. what i mean by that is, i'm not going to do my little nekkid dance and hear people say "oh. wow. i thought she had a better body than that."

so i pose the question to you - how much money would it take to get you to dance naked? and the dance only needs to last ... a few seconds. one hippopotamus two hippopotamus three hippopotamus.

evildeb said that i would show my boobies for beads, and she's probably right. now i would. with the new boobies. i used to think "no way! that's dumb!" but i've been caught up in bead fever since then. however, there is that whole "college girls gone wild" contingent to deal with now. not that i'm in college. but i am rather immature. i wouldn't want to end up on one of those videos. ewwwwww.

Posted by jodi at 09:36 AM | Comments (4)

days of our undead lives..

oh wait! here's something i forgot. lisa gave this to me. it gives me hope for the future.

Posted by jodi at 05:31 PM | Comments (1)

You say tomato... I say cause of death.

not much to say. read a lot of books this weekend. sooooo many books. of various genres. i'm fairly dizzy with them. i cannot stress enough, dear internet friends, how much you need to read a billy chaka adventure. that would be "tokyo suckerpunch" "hokkaido popsicle" or "dreaming pachinko." in that order. by isaac adamson. trust me. i wouldn't bunny-elk you.

and, in the grand tradition of a monday, i'll let my entire blog entry be links to other people's stuff. it's just easier that way. did you know that dr. frank has a blog? not sure i'm worthy of such goodness, but there it is! free of charge!

steve sent out a link to rotten tomato's reviews about the movie gigli, which stars ben affleck and j-lo. they are some of the best scathing reviews i've read in a long time. they are meeeeeeeean. laugh out loud mean.

'k. that's it. told you i had nothing of my own to showcase. it's monday. i've spent the afternoon troubleshooting a troubled index. indexing is extremely tedious, i can't figure the problem out, and therefore i've shut down brain. and this is what you get.

ps: thanks for the comments, dust mites! it's good to hear from you!

oh, and in response to lisa:

the test is not online, but i suppose i can give it to you anyway. it's pretty easy to take. it's only about 15 questions, each half.

also, you don't have my weather. i don't know who's weather you have, but 84 and stormy is not my weather. it's too hot to be my weather. my weather would be more like upper 70's. but most likely lower 70's, if it was going to rain. we don't actually get many storms. just rain.

maybe you have san diego's weather?

Posted by jodi at 05:23 PM | Comments (2)

Forget it, Jake. It's Chinatown.

here is a picture i drew, of louise and i, in new york.

louise is wearing that shirt because countless people in new york asked her what part of ireland she was from. she's from scotland. "hoaching with talent" is scottish slang for "full of cute boys."

i am not drunk in the picture, i merely tripped. however, after asking me if i was ok, an irish guy standing on the curb said to me "you're a bit of a train wreck, aren't you?" the sign refers to joe's shanghai, a chinese restaurant in chinatown. getting there was a nightmare. our cab driver must have been new to town. he certainly was new to english. which is why he dropped us off on PEARL street, even though i even spelled out PELL. at that point, we didn't care. we were out of cash. anyway, eating there was not all that pleasant either. the yelled at us the minute we walked in the door, because they were closing in FORTY FIVE MINUTES. oh dear. they screamed at us "YOU ORDER NOW. YOU WANT DUMPLINGS BEFORE YOU ORDER?' not knowing anything about the dumplings, we just shook our heads. louise was so frightened by the pressure to order, she thought she might have ordered something with pork in it. and she hates pork. the food was below ok, and i wanted to order dessert because i didn't like my food. there was a dessert card on the table, so i called the waiter over and pointed to the fried mini bun whoosey what. "that's not dessert." "it's not? it's on the card." "that's not dessert. no dessert." and he walked away. but the final straw was the orange slices. we watched everyone get a plate of orange slices at the end of their meal. when we were done, do you think we got orange sliced? NO! did we even get fortune cookied? NO!! fuck joe's shanghai and fuck chinatown and fuck pell st.

there is more to the reasoning behind fucking chinatown. but suffice to stay, we got trapped there twice. both times starving. it's not important, but when i left, i'd had enough of chinatown. that picture was for the trip report the managers asked me to write.

hey guess what? i'm not cleaning a GOD DAMN THING in my apartment this weekend. whoooo-RAY!!

Posted by jodi at 03:01 PM | Comments (2)