Lisa and I were talking about spoilers today. i like ’em. or i can’t resist them, is more like it. she avoids them like they stink. so does fee. she inadvertantly saw a spoiler today. and i told her to tell me. it was a baby spoiler. it was a tv guide blurb spoiler, but she still didn’t like knowing about it. I explained to her that i have a hard time not investigating the facts. i can’t resist. i need to sus things out and figure out what’s going on. and yes, i used to snoop for my xmas presents.
what i explained to her, was that i indentified strongly with my childhood literary heros, trixie belden, nancy drew and harriet the spy. they were my kind of people. and i wanted to be a detective my entire life. now i realize that that impulse can probably be addressed by writing. it’s the same thing. i need to sus things out, find out what’s going on. it’s just that what’s going on is in my head.
aaaaanyway. lisa’s response was a HOOT!! and i figured, why bother trying to write something funny today, why not just let lisa do it. i asked, she said yes, and so here is her response to my childhood dreams of being a gal detective.
And let’s look at what happened to them….
Trixie Belden finished high school and went to a nice public college and got a dual degree in law enforcement and history. She entered the police academy upon graduation from college and got high marks in all fields. She graduated at the top of her class and was assigned to the narcotics division within two months of leaving the academy after an instructor of hers pulled in some favors. Trixie worked undercover narcotics for ten months and eventually gained the trust of many junkies and dealers. She also gained an nasty smack habit. During a set-up that took several months, Trixie walked in the dark jungle of drug addiction while trying to do her job. She finally was going to meet the distributor for the tri-state area when the many months of abusing her body caught up with her. She was asked to test newest shipment as a point of courtesy and since it was totally uncut, the effects hit her immediately. She fell to the floor barely conscious. She saw wavy currents floating around her body. It felt as though they were lifting her up and pulling her down at the same time. When the cops surrounding the building lost contact with her, they rushed the place and the last thing Trixie ever saw was her sergeant’s face floating in front of hers. The last thing she ever thought was “did I feed the fish”?
Nancy Drew got free-lance detective work here and there and eventually ended up in Las Vegas. She was investigating a possible unfaithful husband case one night and three days later the police broke down her apartment door. She wasn’t there and nothing appeared to have been touched, like her office, and there were no messages on her answering machine. Mostly because there WAS no answering machine. The machines at both the office and apartment were missing. Nancy Drew was never heard from again and the case is still considered open by the Las Vegas PD.
Harriet Welsch, also known as Harriet the Spy when she was a child, changed her major from literature and creative writing to chemistry in her Junior year at Yale because she was having a torrid affair with the head of the creative writing department and they thought it better to be discrete. Harriet was deeply in love with Richard, her former faculty advisor and as in her younger days began to follow him around just to watch him and bask in his beauty from afar. She kept a secret journal of her observations which came in very handy for investigators. After Harriet witnessed Richard cavorting with no less than three other undergraduates, she confronted him and shot him four times. Twice in the head, once in the heart and once in the groin region. After the trial, during which she said nothing as she had totally withdrawn from the world, Harriet was remanded to the custody of the state hospital for the criminally insane. Even though Harriet is allowed a small notebook and pencil, she is usually too sedated to have the fine motor skills needed to write. Her parents died the same year as her conviction in a tragic car accident and Gully comes to visit her twice a month. Gully is writing the story of Harriet’s life and it’s already been optioned by Miramax.
The moral of these stories? Knowing stuff isn’t always a good thing.

i totally forgot what i was going to say… i had the blog entry all figured out in my head just an hour or two ago. and now it’s gone. just like that. now what am going to do? just make up some boring shit? how disappointing. well, it probably wasn’t that interesting anyway, because all i did was fix the sims, customize the sims, and decorate house for the sims this weekend. you know how those damn hours just fly by when you play the sims. my current favorite is Nadija, and her manic depressive psychotic cat Oona.
i have no cute links or funny images or anything to make up for the fact i have nothing to say. i was just going to skip today, but i think that fact i have nothing to say is, in of itself, a statement about my life.
did you ever see that movie A.I.? i was just thinking about that movie last night, realizing how much i hated it, and how much it depressed me. i just sat there for about 20 minutes, hating that movie.
i will say this. i have new wonder woman socks on. they are cool.

so, the bombing has begun. officially. unofficially, they’ve been bombing my apartment for weeks. seriously, if you look at it, you can tell. shit’s everywhere! it looks like a bomb went off!
and so, i am plagued by the age old question – war, what is it good for? luckily i believe edwin provided us with the answer. good god, y’all. say it again.
the sight of the bombs, that you can watch over and over on cnn.com, are making my tummy twist. in an unhappy way. i haven’t heard about casualties in bagdad. iraqi casualties, i mean. it just makes me sad. and what’s the name of this “operation” anyway? you know, as in operation desert storm. i know we all about the shock and the awe. is that the name? operation shock and awe? because that’s dumb if it is. is that really what they are calling it? that just sounds so… pretentious. “look at meeee….are you not SHOCKED by my power? are you not in AWE of me?” *only eyes visible, peeking from behind a black cape* “do not look directly into my eyes… ahhh…it’s is too late… you are in AWE mwuahhahaa!.” i suppose it could be worse. it could be something like “operation freedom.” which would piss me off no end. let’s call it “operation freedom toast.”
it’s friday, and so i got myself a big ol’ dr pepper for lunch. because i can have AS MUCH AS I WANT on friday. don’t have to sleep tonight. it’s not necessary. i’ll get another one on my way home, too. aaaah-hahahahaaaaa!! AS MUCH AS I WANT!!
bonus points if you can tell me the source of the quote i used in the title. hint? it’s a musical.

a reader from pasadena writes, “have you cleaned your kitchen yet?” what do you think, dear internet friends. have i cleaned my kitchen yet? of course not!! i am more concerned with why my sims unleashed game is running so slowly, than in completing the task that was to result in the reward of said game. dr. stevil gave me 512mb of ram to pop into the G4, to see if that will help. and i am going through the spring cleaning process. i just have this feeling it’s going to come down to processor speed. however, tonight i am going to put away the clean dishes in the dishwasher. there aren’t many, i’ve basically taken them out as i needed them. but those that remain prevent me from putting dishes into the dishwasher. which would explain the pile in my sink. if anything, the kitchen is worse. i dug out my air popcorn popper. because i had a craving for real home made popcorn. not microwave popcorn. i wanted to melt the butter myself and apply the salt myself. when the popper was about half way through the corn i fed it, i poured the melted button on it, and started to continually stir with a spoon. that’s the way i used to do it. get everything covered nicely. but then, the air popper just died. pfftz. dead. and i was stuck with a small amount of popcorn dripping with melted butter. i ate it, of course. it was a little drippy. but come on… it’s melted and salty butter!! the air popper is still sitting on the counter. dead.
i have a couple of things to say about the state of the world today. first of all. gw bush is not my president. al gore is my president. if there was ever any question, that story, right there should prove, beyond a shadow of a doubt, he was meant to lead me. not bush. god i hate bush. i hate him. sigh. so i’m not going to pay attention to him. al gore is my president. and if there is something i need to do, al will tell me. or he’ll have steve job’s tell me. because in many ways, steve jobs is my lord savior!!
the second thing i have to talk about today is homeland security. i have no idea what to do about chemical warfare. so far, i think avoiding all mention of it, and pretending it does not exist is working well for me. so i am going to stick with it. however, here is a cute little ditty that helps clear things up. i know it helped me.
lisa designed a personal card for me today, and so i shall sign today’s entry with it:
JS Hamilton
Author, Princess, Font of Information
Brilliance by appointment

i think god is punishing me. or, i would think that god was punishing me, except that i don’t believe that god punishes. therefore, i am punishing myself, somehow, and blaming it on god. if god was punishing right now, he’s definitely doing it by giving us g.w. bush. not by messing with my g4.
are we at war yet? i have checked the news lately. i’m so sad and worried and disgusted and ambivalent and concerned and distracted and angry and … every emotion. i’m not sure i can be only a few emotions about it, because it would be too much. i hate everyone. well, i hate all world leaders. all of them. oy! does that make me an anarchist? ha. no. i wish we could just reboot our government with the shift key held down, in safe boot. or, i’d boot into root user of the world and replace the world leaders with mothers. women. women with no need to hurt and only to protect.
punishment. yes. my poor little g4 at home, is acting sickly. i made a deal with myself that if i cleaned the kitchen, i could buy myself a present. i decided if i cleaned my kitchen i could get the sims unleashed expansion pack. because allowing my little sims, who never go to war by the way, to have pets, would solve all my personal problems. i headed out to see shanti, to get my brows done. however, instead of then going home and cleaning the kitchen, i just went straight to the buying part of it. it does no good to make these deals with myself, because i’ll just go straight to the buying part. as long as present is promised, i’ll just get it first. so unless i decide to reward myself after i’ve already done whatever it is i don’t want to do, it’s a failed system. anyway, i had not yet installed the vacation expansion pack i’d gotten for xmas. so i installed both. and i created a new sim to concentrate on. eve. she has shaggy blond short hair, and a more curvy body. [there is slim, curvy, and a more corpulent build]. she has a simple house, without a whole bunch of decorating or objects, because i thought we’d add those as we went along. [usually, when i create a new sim, i spend way too much time decorating and buying things for the house when i first move them in. because i know the money cheat.] anyway, eve’s going to get a job soon. i took her to old towne and she adopted a grey tiger kitten named Pru. gee, i wonder where the inspiration for that came from? as soon as i get a second kitten, for pru to have company during the day, eve will get that job. however, and here is where god is punishing me for skipping the cleaning part of the bargain, the game is running soooooo slowly that it’s pretty much unplayable. it’s not bad when she’s at home, but it was nearly impossible to adopt that first kitten. she’s off doing a bunch of stuff before i can even get the game to admit i am making commands. and it takes awhile to catch up to her. after she burned down the kitchen, no one was hurt, i took eve and pru to the beach, for vacation. same problem. i can’t play the game. it’s no good. i don’t know what it is. i moved the game to the home user directory, per aspyr’s suggestion for frequent crashes, but it didn’t help. i’m going to move it to a shared directly and try logging in as a new user. see if that doesn’t help. it’s probably my processor speed. stuff is just becoming too fast for me. it may be time to upgrade the processor. i have 500mb of ram, and plenty of space. it’s the processor. guh.
my computer is having other issues as well. it may be time for an intense spring cleaning, back-up and reformat, etc. i’m much more apt to do that, then clean the kitchen, anyway. and, god gave me a cluster headache yesterday, just to make sure i understood it was bad karma to flinch on a deal, even if the deal was with yourself.

yeah, as fee said, “that is so lame about the freedom fries and freedom toast. those foods aren’t even originally french anyway. pff. stupid capital hill people don’t even know their food.” and these jackasses are running our country? what’s next? are were going to put american citizens of iraqi descent into internment camps for their “safety?” do we have to call “hamburger” salisbury steak again? fuck capital hill. i’m going to order my french fries with pride. i’m going to order my french fries in french!! je voudrais some god damn pomme frittes!! the more i think about it, the more i think that some marketing tard came up with that idea. it looks all cute and patriotic. but it’s a ignorant propaganda. and we should be proud of anything that mirrors some of our less than admirable behaviors during ww2.
i’m getting all worked up, aren’t i? that’s mostly cuz i don’t feel like working. i agree with everything i said above, i just don’t think i take it as seriously as it indicates. however, the french do love to hate us. most definitely. and they do love to protest everything we do. and maybe this is just a ploy to center them as a power in the new “united europe.” who the hell knows. its fun to hate america. there are lots and lots of reasons to do it. its chic. who wants to align themselves with the bourgeois spoiled americans? they have no sense of style, no sense of fashion. no sense of world politics. and they all line up to appear on jerry springer, have missing teeth and gun racks in their trucks. everyone american has a gun. and what’s with the women who try to look like barbie dolls? only an american would do that. again, back to the no style issue. heck, even americans like to hate the US. otherwise you are a hick, it’s all just cheap, over-marketed patriotism. right?
this is fun. let’s face it, no one is ever going to like us. we are that annoying, privileged, needy kid in school who had every answer. incessantly, waving his hand in class, or attention from the teacher. not noticing when other kids snickered behind his back. and then driving home in the ford focus he got for his sixteenth birthday. yup. that’s us.
oh well! i am not in favor of war. unless it boosts the economy and then i say, “hell yeah, mount up soldiers!!” it’s all about the bling bling, baby.