i had a pretty crappy week. a week that’s left me feeling pretty worthless and … for lack of a better word, ashamed. ashamed at the messes i create for myself time and time again. the same messes. ashamed of the obstacles i haven’t overcome. ashamed of my performance at work. my little domino row of self worth toppled down, with one little flick. it happens like that sometimes. my way of dealing with it is to crawl under the covers, but life rarely lets you do that. so i sat at work and made lists.
luckily, i’ve been in class the last two days. and i paid attention for as along as i could. but even on the best of circumstances, i have the attention span of a gnat. the class was on project management. and it got much deeper and much more technical than i would ever need. so i started to tune out. plus, every time we broke into groups, it was me and evildeb and two other guys. and they didn’t appreciate my sense of humor, so i could hardly be bothered with them, could i? also, i quickly realized i was not going to be a gold star a+ student, because i could only care so much. and there were people in there who were hoping to make project management THEIR LIFE. seriously. this class was at work, but there were people there who wanted to get Project Management Certification. there’s a whole consortium and a test and shit. so i wasn’t going to shine. so again… why should i bother.
i made lists after lists after list. all the while, i might add, still paying attention enough to do the exercises and crack the occasional wise comment. i have a rep to protect after all. i made a list of all the ways i suck contrary to popular belief i do not need lisa and arifa to help me with that list. 😛 and i made lists of all the bills, loans and taxes i was behind on. to be fair, i made a list of all the things i was caught up on. i made a list of all the material things i want in life. thing list varied from an iPod, to new sneakers, to a condo, all the way to a pet dolphin. basically, i was buying time until i came to my natural conclusion that everything was going to be OK.
i haven’t gotten there yet. i still feel crappy. i had to pay a tax attorney $650 to help me with my tax problems. and i still will have to deal with the IRS directly, because i can’t afford to hire representation. it would be about $2,000 more. andy, my attorney assured me i am not in that much trouble. but he doesn’t understand my entire financial crisis. nor are they his wages they are threatening to garnish. he also sad i make too much money for an offer in compromise. which i fail to see how is possible. but i guess the irs doesn’t give a shit if you have a $400 car payment. oh yeah, i also filled two notebook pages with the words “i hate the IRS” during class.
so i did the only thing i could do, i did something that required the use of a power tool. NO, get your filthy minds out of the gutter, dear internet friends. although that’s not a bad idea, now is it? i installed a new keyboard tray my stepdad gave me. it required the use of a power drill. nothing makes me feel more competent than doing some kind of installation or repair with a power tool all buy myself. the new tray does not fit the spit ergo keyboard i have, but it’s workable, if a bit precarious. better than the other one. i think it will be much more comfortable. it must be, look at how much i’ve written. i’ve not blogged at home in weeks, because the other tray made things so uncomfortable. hmmmm…. watch out world, a best selling novel might come out of me yet!!
come now… you may not NEED my help, but you know that list would have been much easier with lisa’s and my assistance.
i could be nice, but you know… i’ve got a rep to protect, too. 😉
awww….poor jodi. it sounds like things are really rough. but don’t worry too much….we all love you, and that’s really all that matters! 🙂
List of reasons why you suck? “LIST”???
I just got my fourteen volume set of leather-bound, hand-stiched, custom-printed, word-hyphenated volumes of “Jodi Sucks: The Comprehensive Study” back from a small printing company in Italy. That was the best investment I’ll ever make. It cost a ton to ship because they weigh 153 lbs.
I even have illuminated text, the work of a group of monks in a monestary in Spain. The images really make the entire thing ‘pop’. The gold leaf on the panels of “The many way Jodi falls down” seems to glow with inner life. I admit I wept the first time I saw it. For generations to come, these volumes will enlighten and inspire. *sigh*
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In other news, you are not a fuck up. You’ve dug yourself a hole and now you’re having a bitchy time crawling out of it. But you WILL crawl out of it. You have lots of good things:
a place to live and food to eat,
a mommy who loves you,
a fuzzy love muffin who thinks you’re the shit,
bionic chesticles,
many pairs of clean underpants in many colors,
internet chums from many countries,
you can hear good music and you can see beautiful sites (like Eddie Izzard in full drag – with glitter),
you have very little chance of dying in the next twenty-four hours because of military execution, immolation, torture, bad drinking water, heat stroke (well, maybe that one), starvation or ebola. That’s puts you ahead of 85% of the world’s population!
That’s the kind of stuff I tell myself when I get in a state about my life situation. No matter how shitty my existence, I’m not living off of turnip soup in Siberia. That’s gotta be something. Plus, I love ya more than my record collection.
Cheers!
Lisa