My mom Pattie may not be the dental hygienist to the stars, but she is the dental hygienist to the very very rich and famous. She knows teeth like no one’s business. Except maybe her sisters’ business, because they are both hygienists as well. Scary. Anyway, I had my teeth cleaned today, so I asked my mom to clarify something for me, regarding plaque. Is plaque a waste product, like, say, urine?

Mom: Nooo, not really.

Me: what is it?

Mom: Plaque is the combination of bacteria in your mouth and food particles. The bacteria digests the food, and emits an acid. It’s the acid that affects the gums and teeth.

Me: no urine?

Mom: Well, a crude way to put it would be the bacteria eats the food in your mouth and goes potty on your teeth.

Me: wow! potty!

Mom: the more refined sugar, the amount of bacteria increases, and the more acid it emits.

Me: refined sugar = more bacteria and more potty. kinda like a kegger!

When the Dr. came in, I explained to him how the bacteria eats the food and goes potty on your teeth. He said, “some kind of weird hygienist must have told you that.” You know it, doc! Later…

Mom: when you think how hard enamel is, to think their are bugs that can release this acid that will eat…

Me: HANG ON!! You didn’t say anything about bugs!

Mom: bacteria bugs. When we explain it to children, we call them Sugar Bugs.

Me: sugar bugs doesn’t sound so bad. kinda like candy.

Mom: but they’re not. In fact, they are spiders, Jodi. Tiny spiders all over your teeth, going potty.

Me: AAAAAARRRRGHHHHH!!! SPIDERS!!!

When I have a nightmare tonight, about tiny spiders in my teeth, I am calling her to let her know. Only a mother would know just what kind of bug to mention to really freak you out. Some kind of weird hygienist, indeed.

Conversation overheard while waiting in a waiting room, two sorority girls, one trying to fill out a health record, both talking on cell phones and to each other at the same time.

SG#1: ok, here, where it asks if I have been tested positive for hepatitis, what does that mean?

SG#2: I don’t know… [to the phone] no, I wanted to check out the other rooms first, because that one room is hecka-small.

SG#1: does it mean that I’ve had the shots? Because I positively had the shot. Is that what it means?

at this point, Someone’s Mother, who is also waiting in the waiting room, jumps in.

SM: Did you have the shot as a preventive measure? Or did you have it because they told you you had hepatitis.

SG#1: Ewww… no, I had it because… you know when you go to school, they make you get shots…

SM: Then the answer is most likely no.

SG#2: Listen to her, she is like… a mother. [to the phone] yeah, she said I could have the dog.

SG#1: What? What dog? I totally hate animals. It can’t stay at the sorority.

SG#2: It’s going to stay at my parents.

SG#1: hmmm… AIDS? Oh I’d BETTER NOT have AIDS. “Are you addicted to drugs and alcohol?” ummm depends, what day of the week is it? Ha-ha-ha.. just kidding. That’s not funny.

SG#2: I thought it was funny.

SG#1: Ok… are you under treatment for mental illness? Ha! Noooooo…

SM: [quietly] But maybe you should be.

at this point, SG#1goes up to the receptionist and asks


SG#1: Ummm… how honest do I have to be on this?

Receptionist: What do you mean? About what?

SG#1: well, because I am getting the depro-provera shot. But the mom and dad don’t know that. And I don’t want the mom and dad to know. So do I have to answer this question honestly?

Receptionist: Ummmmm….

Me: [in my head] birth control? thank god!!

I would totally learn to play chess if I could play with this chessboard.

Actually, I would totally learn to play chess if anyone would be willing to teach me, regardless. But it would be ever so much more fun with a Justice League chessboard.

Fee and I had a great time this weekend. Now I am suffering from Fee withdrawal. Which is not unlike caffeine withdrawal with a touch of acid reflux thrown in. This weekend left me with jeans that at all too tight. There was a lot of food involved. Junk food. Comfort food. Although, right now, it’s definitely discomfort food. I might have to declare tomorrow Pajama Pant Tuesday.

Saturday night Fee and I went over to Evildeb’s house, and Fee was able to witness the Best Bad Movie in the history of all Bad Movie I discovered when I still had HBO. Deep Blue Sea. Do you doubt it’s genius? Don’t make me tell you about ice. This movie is BRILLIANT. Everyone is free to come over to Evildeb’s house and we’ll watch it with you. We’ll make popcorn and cupcakes and we’ll drink fruity cocktails and we’ll watch you enjoy the film, as you begin to wonder how you ever lived a full life without knowing it’s beauty. I think I’ve watched this film about a dozen times. At least.

Yesterday Fee and I were up in the Pike/Pine area of Capital Hill, looking for a place called Frites. It’s a Belgian Fry place, all it sells are fries in paper cones. With dozens and dozens of dipping sauce choices. Like a dope, I left the house without getting the address. But I knew the general area to look. I thought I could find it. Wrong. So I took Fee into Toys in Babeland for the dual purpose of taking her into a sex toy shop [for potential blog fodder] and to ask if they knew where Frites was. Sadly, we had missed a free workshop on Pumping your Privates for Pleasure. However, if she comes back on April 3rd, I believe, we could attend Porn Appreciation. Directions given, we set off down Pike or Pine [who’s to say which one it was, they are pretty interchangeable], discussing the possible merits of glass blown sex toys. While the nice lady sent us on the right way, she neglected to tell us that we had to leave Pike/Pine. So after talking to a nice girl at Tully’s, we finally found it. Only it wasn’t open for another hour. Fee was already shivering with cold [because it was a frigid 62 degrees and sunny] and hunger [because she is so very delicate]. So we ate somewhere else. By the time we were done, it was time for Frites to open up. We walked to the car, and I was going to drive by and drop Fee off, so she could grab some fries. She got out of the car, but came back less than a minute later. Open only twenty minutes, they had already left a sign on the door that said “be back in five minutes.” So we both said “Fuck you, Frites!! You can take your screwy Belgian Fries and shove em somewhere uncomfortable!” Or that might have just been me.

Speaking of corrupting Fee, I also bought some Whoppers Malted Easter Robin’s Eggs, which she had never had. She was sadly innocent of Easter candy, being Muslim. But she tried them, and now she has Jesus Christ swimming around in her soul!! That’s the real purpose of Easter Candy, you know. Won’t be long before she’s dying eggs and hiding them in the back yard.