I didn’t go to work today because I worked my way up to a migraine late last night, early this morning. At 9am, I was still trying to get rid of it. And I am in a very melancholy mood. I’ve been in that mood for a few days now, but yesterday and today were particularly sad for some reason. So I took PTO.

I guess I was practicing for the upcoming weeks. My grandma died this afternoon. Not the grandma that came to visit a few weeks ago, this was my father’s mother, my paternal grandmother. I am going to be going to Arizona sometime this week. I haven’t decided how, yet. Plane or automobile. But, again, perhaps in some kind of precognitive preparation, I’ve been wanting to go on a roadtrip these last few days. To clear my head and think about things. It’s not that my life is all sad and horrible and I need to get away. I just seem to have a lot on my mind, happy and sad. I’ve been distracted at work, lately. I probably need some time off. I just thought it would be like happy time off. Maybe go up to the lake and float or something.

This is hitting me hard, and maybe that’s because of my father, who passed away 11 years ago, quite suddenly. My granddad passed away 18 months ago, and Grandma has been sad, and lost and in pain since. It’s not unexpected. Part of what I feel is relief for the end of her suffering. But part of me feels great sadness that she had to go through it in the first place. And I think it’s really bringing the loss of my father up again. Now that his parents are gone. I shouldn’t have had to lose my dad when I was 26, just barely starting to know him. And my little brother sure as hell shouldn’t have to lose him when he was 12.

I don’t know… a few days in a hotel with a pool and air conditioning and my thoughts will probably be good for me. Can’t hurt, right?