I didn’t go to work today because I worked my way up to a migraine late last night, early this morning. At 9am, I was still trying to get rid of it. And I am in a very melancholy mood. I’ve been in that mood for a few days now, but yesterday and today were particularly sad for some reason. So I took PTO.
I guess I was practicing for the upcoming weeks. My grandma died this afternoon. Not the grandma that came to visit a few weeks ago, this was my father’s mother, my paternal grandmother. I am going to be going to Arizona sometime this week. I haven’t decided how, yet. Plane or automobile. But, again, perhaps in some kind of precognitive preparation, I’ve been wanting to go on a roadtrip these last few days. To clear my head and think about things. It’s not that my life is all sad and horrible and I need to get away. I just seem to have a lot on my mind, happy and sad. I’ve been distracted at work, lately. I probably need some time off. I just thought it would be like happy time off. Maybe go up to the lake and float or something.
This is hitting me hard, and maybe that’s because of my father, who passed away 11 years ago, quite suddenly. My granddad passed away 18 months ago, and Grandma has been sad, and lost and in pain since. It’s not unexpected. Part of what I feel is relief for the end of her suffering. But part of me feels great sadness that she had to go through it in the first place. And I think it’s really bringing the loss of my father up again. Now that his parents are gone. I shouldn’t have had to lose my dad when I was 26, just barely starting to know him. And my little brother sure as hell shouldn’t have to lose him when he was 12.
I don’t know… a few days in a hotel with a pool and air conditioning and my thoughts will probably be good for me. Can’t hurt, right?
My greatest condolences to you. No funny songs or posts this time. It sucks to be at that age – I have one grandmother left and everytime I see her I worry that it is going to be the last time. Go away. Pool and air conditioning are always good.
Hi Jodi- I’m really sorry to hear about your grandmother. My father’s mother passed away last fall… it was not a surprise, but it’s still hard. Classic for my grandmother, she had fallen and broken her hip after she had gotten a little tipsy from a Margerita. She had a stroke after the surgery and never really recovered. I highly recommend taking the time for yourself, remembering all the unique things that made up her life and listening to a lot of good, sad music. A trip to Cabo never hurts either. -L
I’m sorry, Jodi. I hope the time away from the everyday stuff helps.
i’m so sorry, jodi. email if you need anything. including a place to crash.
Jodi – I’m sorry for your loss.
awww… jodes…. all my uber-love. i’m so sorry for your loss. 🙁
I’ve always said that the capacity that one can feel loss is directly proportional to the capacity that one can feel love.
I don’t wish you peace, because that would be denying you your capacities. I instead wish you many family members with whom to share happy memories.
Jodi,
I’m really sorry for your loss. My gradpa passed away 2 years before my grandma did. After 62 years of marriage, she was lost without him. Her health deteriorated very quickly and she ended up in a nursing home. She eventually succumbed to Parkinson’s Disease. It was heartwrenching to watch her suffer without him.
My heart goes out to you and your family. Maybe a road trip is just the thing you need. You’re in my thoughts.
z
I’m so sorry, Jodi. Here’s hoping the trip gives you the mental time that you need.
Be brave little soldier! Oh, and you can be brave and still cry like a baby.
Hit the road and spend some time with no music playing – I think it helps to hear just your thoughts from time to time.
so so sorry jodi. i’m sending you a warm fuzzy mental hug right now. and yes, a few days in a hotel with a pool can hurt, if you spend the whole time in the pool. the de-pruning experience from a three day soak-a-thon can be unpleasant. so be careful.
i’ve been thinking of you. i hope you’re feeling a little better. road trip sounds good. lots of time to think.