I used to be fierce.
I was funny. Entertaining. Smart. People enjoyed being around me. People sought my company. Wanted to spend time with me. I was definitely all three dimensions. I pretty much did whatever I wanted. I may not have always been happy, or healthy, but gol darnnit I was independent. I was an individual.
I’m not going to lie to you. For the past 3 months, life has been The Suck. And I decided, several weeks ago, to just stop doing things. I haven’t cooked a meal in a long time. What little interest I had in housekeeping has long since fled. I have developed a close friendship with my high definition tv.
I flattened.
When I was single and alone, I could tell you everything. If I wanted to. Life gets more complicated and sometimes I chose respect for others and privacy. This is what I am doing now. So I apologize if you sometimes get the “what” without me giving you the “why.”
I am not good at writing from a place of pain. I don’t write poetry. I’m not especially elegiac. I write in paragraphs, not short burst of emo. It’s not my shtick. When I write comfortably, I write from a place of humor.
But I’ve lost mine. I’m working on getting it back. But I can’t promise some anger, frustration, sadness and other ick doesn’t seep out.
I’ll do my best.
Because I used to be fierce and I can be that way again.
I love you.
I know where you are coming from, I went through something similar when I was first married as well. I think it may be the curse of an independent woman in love.
I am glad to tell you more personal things about how I got through it and found myself, but is too private an issue (for me) to do through comments.
Fierceness can come back, it can. really.
Hang in there Jodi. Once you are fierce, you are always fierce. Sometimes it is close to the surface and sometimes it is buried deep, but it never goes away, you never lose it. You just use it differently.
Hang in there, sister, you’re not alone even when it seems that way. Hell, you’ve still got all your crazy followers.
Come back and be fierce again.
I know a great house cleaner, she lives near you, and charges $18 per hour.
Also, hang in there. I understand about respecting privacy — I am doing that right now, too, on many levels.
Thinking about you.
I’ve never posted a comment before (shame on me), but I’ve been reading your blog for at least two years…
Anyhow, just know that you have other readers out there who enjoy and look forward to reading your work.
It sounds like you’ve been having a rough couple of months, but we’re all cheering you on. Get better and come back better than ever!
I surfed in here a few years ago, too, just on a lark to see who was clever enough to come up with such a cool blog name, and you had me hooked – I don’t visit too many personal life blogs – mostly I wander the wasteland of film and photography sites – and yours is the only one of this kind I comment on, because you have a witty and clever style, with a soupÁon of a dagger’s point hiding beneath your words.
I’m sorry you have succumbed to inanition – everyone goes thru periods of bleh, I no less than anyone else, and it’s been ages since I updated my scribbling, so don’t feel you alone have lost your fierceness on occasion. Life comes at you not like fastballs and curves, or a few snowflakes, or even a handful of dirt – it’s like a never ending hail of arrows, cloth-yard shafts that fall like a hard rain of drops the size of watermelons. Some are just bigger than others, and even if they knock you down for bit – come up swinging.
Taking a break from the bombardment and re-charging is a need – like food and air, that transcends the regular rhythms of everyday life – I’ve taken a few breaks before getting back in the saddle. Take all the time you want, and don’t let anyone tell you different – it’s your life.
I’ll prolly never meet you, or most of the folks I’ve met over the ether, but you seem like a person worth knowing, and through your posts, I can tell you’re a resilient woman, a “pretty tough broad” as they used to say, so I expect you’ll be fierce again pretty soon. Be sure and let us know your progress – life needs fierce writing, always.
sometimes people are energy vampires, I remember being as tired as you.
i’m with maggie… it’s still in there jodes. sometimes, life really is “Teh Suck” but you are very strong… heck, I’ve been very impressed with how strong you are and you know that’s a feeling I usually reserve for Kam 😉
Nothing good ever stems from housework.
you’re still fierce. i bet amelia would agree.
and we’re right there with you, even though we’re not physically right there with you.