Several years ago, a friend of mine moved to Canada from the UK for the same reason I moved here. Love. Awwwww. Anyway, when she found out that I was living in BC, she emailed me and told me if I ever felt like I needed to bitch, she was the number one source for Things That Are Wrong With Canada. I was a little confused because I was under the impression that all Things That Are Wrong in North America… in Western Countries… in fact, in the Entire World, come from the United States. If I were to start to criticize Canada, all they would have to say is “Well, you should talk… AMERICAN!” But Elle is from England, so she probably doesn’t have the same kind of burden of being responsible for all the evil in the world.
And yet, I must be honest. There are Things Wrong With Canada. There is “wrong” like the fact that Quaker Oats does not come in a cylindrical cardboard box, but rather a bag. There are things that are “Wrong” like the fact that you can’t get Red Vines or, except in one rare case, Milk Duds. That there is no Target. And a distinct shortage of Dr Pepper on tap, even in places like Burger King which have Dr Pepper in the states. And then there is Flat Out Wrong that my mind is still reeling from now, three days after the fact.
Scene: Wil and I are watching Corner Gas, a Canadian show I LOVE, it is one of the many Things That Are Oh So Right On in Canada. In this scene, Davis the cop is putting one of those stickers-that-shows-the-height-of-people-coming-through-the-door-and-robbing-you, by the door to Corner Gas. And Brett comments on the sticker. Brett runs the gas station. Davis replies, “Well, we call it a decal, but same thing.”
Me: What did he say? Did he say “deckle?” Does he mean decal [DE-cal]?
Wm: Yes, deckle. D-E-C-A-L. Deckle.
Me: He’s kidding, right? That’s a joke. Like when people use unnecessarily fancy words, and then pronounce them wrong, right?
Wm: What are you talking about.
– More people in the show use the word decal [deckle]
Me: No way… tell me you do NOT pronounce it deckle up here. That is so unbelievably WRONG.
Wm: What is your problem? It’s a deckle.
Me: It is not deckle! There is an “A” in there! It’s DE-cal, unless you are feeling fancy, in which case it’s de-CAL. This is a joke, right? You are putting me on.
Wm: Why would I do that?
Me: Because you can, you can make me believe all sorts of crazy foreign things, and lie in wait for me to say “deckle” in front of someone, which I can assure you will NEVER happen.
Wm: You are so weird.
Ahh, I do understand exactly what you are going through. Liz and I go through it all the time. Sometimes we have discussions that go on for ages and then realise we are talking about completely different things.
As for Things Wrong with Canada, there are indeed many, but a few less than in the USA because Canadians are more innocent and more easily amused (these are good traits!)
As for your friend from the UK, I can only say that Britian seems to have a monoploy on Things Wrong from my perspective. Lets start with:
1. You have to queue (that means line-up) for everything.
2. You have to flush the loo (that means toilet) two or three times to get stuff (like poo) to go down it.
3. The weather. Makes the Pacific North West look like a dustbowl.
4. And if it does not rain everyday then a drought is declared and you can’t use your hosepipe (that means garden hose.)
5. The road signs still seem to be left over from WWII when they were made confusing to fool the Germans should they manage to invade.
and here is a further list…
Being British is about driving in a German car to an Irish pub for a
Belgian beer, then travelling home, grabbing an Indian curry on the way, to sit on Swedish furniture and watch American
shows on a Japanese TV.
And the most British thing of all? Suspicion of all things foreign!
Only in Britain can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
NOT TO MENTION..
3 Brits die each year testing if a 9v battery works on their tongue.
142 Brits were injured in 1999 by not removing all pins from new shirts.
58 Brits are injured each year by using sharp knives instead of screwdrivers.
31 Brits have died since 1996 by watering their Christmas tree while the
fairy lights (that means Christmas lights) were plugged in.
British Hospitals reported 4 broken arms last year after Xmas cracker-pulling accidents.
18 Brits had serious burns in 2000 trying on a new jumper with a lit cigarette in their mouth.
A massive 543 Brits were admitted to A&E in the last two years after trying to open bottles of beer with their teeth.
5 Brits were injured last year in accidents involving out-of-control Scalextric cars (road race sets) and finally…
In 2000 eight Brits were admitted to hospital with fractured skulls incurred whilst throwing up into the toilet.
OK, I can’t match the above post, but I will admit that L and I have these conversations all the time. In fact, we’ve had the deckle conversation specifically. Usually it goes the other way where she looks at me like I’m nuts, but hey.
The other one that got me big one time was corollary – now when I say it is sound more like crawlery, as opposed to core-o-larry. In any case I was in a meeting and everyone was really fired up and I started ranting about the corollary effects of the issue and everyone stopped dead and looked at me like I had two heads. I thought they were entranced by my convincing argument, but they were all focused on the fact that I didn’t know how to pronounce the word. Fortunately one of the other guys in the room was a Brit, which basically saved me.
BTW – Twizzlers are sooooo much better than Red Vines, and Tim Hortons crushes Krispy Kreme – don’t be hating!
perry- brits by no means have first rights to these:
Only in Britain do supermarkets make sick people walk all the way to the back of the shop to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy
cigarettes at the front.
Only in Britain do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries and a
DIET coke.
Only in Britain do we leave cars worth thousands of pounds on the drive
and lock our junk and cheap lawn mower in the garage.
Only in Britain do we use answering machines to screen calls and then
have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to
talk to in the first place.
Only in Britain are there disabled parking places in front of a skating rink.
those are typical of america too.
there are some strange things in england, i have to say. who the hell eats prawn-flavored pringles!? what is up with the lack of peanut butter? and ginger beer tastes like ass! ugh.
hmm. all my rants had to do with food.
oh, and i’d complain about canada too, but i never noticed enough differences the short times i have visited.
Yes, actually riverselkie I confess to just ranting about the UK. You are right though prawn flavoured crisps? (chips are french fries here.) I have to order my peanut butter from a specialist shop in London over the internet. They do Skippy, but I prefer Jif or Kraft, it costs about 10 bucks for a jar!
English food on the whole is pretty plain (it is an historical thing to do with loads of food available in the middle ages.)
The service though sucks beyond anything I have ever experienced. BBC recently did a TV special on how bad it is, unbelievable but true. I am NOT a demanding person. But I swear, going to a shop or restaurant or hotel in the UK that has British staff is the same as that Monty Python skit where he goes into the room for ‘abuse’. Either that or they just ignore you.
If it wasn’t for the all the really cool things to see, no tourists would come here because the food is average (at best) the weather is bad (most of the time) the service is bad (all the time) it is expensive and crowded.
It is starting to get better now that the UK is part of the enlarged EC and all the waiter/waitress jobs are being filled with people from eastern Europe.
“The service though sucks beyond anything I have ever experienced”
Ah, Perry, this is something that Louise has confirmed for me. And she is loath to admit that anything is done better in the states. But she said forget about asking for things to be “on the side” or to hold the onions or mushrooms or whatever special order you want.
I wish we had Target.
But American junk food is GROSS, man. I mean… Twinkies? Bland. Ho-Hos, Ding-Dongs, Milk Duds, and Milky Ways? Give me ketchup chips, chicken bones, and Cadbury, any day!