Do not eat cheetos while working on your computer. Your keyboard will get all gungy and orange.
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Oh, she can’t help it. It’s just her tough luck that she wasn’t born deaf and dumb.
Remember when I told you that I don’t like answering the door if I am not expecting someone? Well, this is why. I’m sitting in the purple chair, reading a rather dark and twisted mystery, when someone starts banging on my front door. Not just knocking, but banging. Then they ring my door bell three times, wait a beat, and start knocking repeatedly. I’m thinking, this has to be a neighbor and it has to be an emergency, what with the knocking and the banging and the repeated doorbell ringing. So I open there door and there is a woman standing there, she hands me a business card. On the business card it says “I am deaf.” It goes on to say something about looking for work, not having any work, oh did I mention I am deaf… this part was hard to read because the card had been copied from a copy many times over. Then at the bottom it says “Donate as much as you wish.” In her hands, she held a pile of bills. Not a lot, but enough to let me know that other kind souls had, apparently, given her money.
I was speechless. Which hardly mattered in this situation. Now, I only know a couple of things in sign language:
“Surprise!”
“Dead Dog”
“Shut up, bitch, go make me a turkey pot pie.”
None of these seemed appropriate. I did not know the sign for “What? Are you kidding me? You come to my home and bang on my door, ring my bell over and over, and I am supposed to give you money? You come to my door to beg for money?”
So I’m stuck. Do you go with compassion, or do you go with indignant annoyance? I went with annoyance. The sign for “oh no, no thank, no… shutting the door now!” is universal, kids. But it ticks me off, because some part of me wonders if I am supposed to feel guilty because I can hear and I have a job. While the other part of me is thinking that this is a total scam and the previously mentioned part of me is a sap. The sap side of me tells the cynical side of me to have a heart, and remember how very very fortunate we are. So the cynical side of me smacks the sappy side of me upside the head and tells her to quit being such a pussy. And then they get in a big fight and are currently not speaking to each other.
And that is why I don’t answer the door.
And yes, I really do know how to say “shut up, bitch, go make me a turkey pot pie” in sign language, although I find very little use for this knowledge.
Oh yes, that’s right; you’re dying, you’re bitter, blah, blah, blah… Fortunatley, I’m shallow, so I’m impervious to that, now eat it.
Evildeb has diagnosed me with ennui, and she is absolutely right. I am definitely suffering from an acute case of the blahs. I told her it was even hard to blog… as I had nothing to say but blah. All I really want to do is lay around and day dream because it’s less blah than real life. blah.
My stepdad is back living in the house for the next two months. The lease on his wee little cabin is up, the ski bum who lives there in the summer is back. For the rest of June he’ll be commuting up north. Which sucks for him. But he’s taking July off to work on the house. What this means is, I do not, currently, live alone. That is hard for me. I’m used to living alone. Not that it’s hard to live with my stepdad, it’s just, I’m spoiled and selfish. My home is my sanctuary, it’s a haven and a hiding place. I don’t answer the phone if I can’t tell who it is. Sometimes, I don’t answer it even if I know who it is, if I want to be alone. If I want to vacuum at 3 am, I do. Not that I vacuum all that much. But you get the point. And if I don’t want to answer to the door for fear of being served with legal papers, I don’t. But my stepdad does. Answer the door, that is. You have NO IDEA who is on the other side of that door! It could be one of those kids who talks a million miles a minute and sells you a dozen magazine subscriptions at once. Which is why I always go to door with the phone in my hand, yelling “No No! It’s 1 breath for every five compressions if you are doing it alone, trust me, I know my CPR, I’ll talk you through it… put the phone up to grandpa’s ear… LIVE GODDAMN YOU, GRANDPA, LIVE!!” My stepdad, however, has a dozen magazine subscriptions. Which sort of shocks me, because he is more than capable of looking at that kid and saying “no.” while shutting the door.
What I’m saying is, it’s me who has a problem. I’ve probably lived alone too long. It will probably be good for me. My grandma is coming to visit us, and I’ll have to clean the house and NOT play the sims2 24/7 while she is here, in my underwear. This is good for me. But, I WANT TO PLAY THE SIMS2 24/7 IN MY UNDERWEAR! But.. .it will be good for me. And maybe, after two months, I’ll know whether I can come out of my cave and have mature relationships with people. Or whether I should just give up now, get some more cats, a ratty bathrobe, and start yelling at the neighborhood kids to get off my god damn lawn.
I got this from Suzi
Your Expression Number is 5
A total multi-tasker, you have a wide variety of talents. You’re very versatile and able to change at a drop of a hat. A free spirit, you crave change and adventure.Clever and quick witted, you can convince anyone of anything. You can do anything you desire… though this sometimes gets you in trouble! Very popular, you’re always thinking up new ways to entertain and amuse your friends.
Your restless and impatient attitude means you don’t stay with projects for long. You tend to be erratic and scattered – it’s hard for you to focus. You often find yourself in a state of flux with constantly changing interests.
Scattered? Huh? What?
There, are you happy now?
Don’t you wish you could do that with your eyes?
I feel so pretty.
You ever try going blond? I bet you’d make a pretty good blond, you know. You might not look as innocent as Alice, but then again, you’re not seven, either.
So strong was my resistance to coming back to work today I forgot my laptop at home. The exact moment I realized this was when I exited the elevator onto my floor. I walked up to Evildeb and told her what I did. She said, “Bye-bye!” and I turned around and went back home. Not exactly convenient. Luckily, by the time I headed back over the bridge for the third time, traffic had died down a bit.
I may have an excuse… you tell me… I went blond on Friday. So this might be “expected behavior.” Don’t worry… it’s not a bleach job. It’s highlights.
Of the Top 20 Songs that Get Stuck in My Head
Repeat Players – this song would be about #14.
Today is my Friday
That doesn’t mean we are doing 50 Word Fiction today. That will still happen on the official Friday. I took tomorrow and Tuesday off. No reason, I’m not going anywhere, just thought I’d have a LONG long weekend. What’s more, Evildeb convinced me to call the doctor, yesterday, about the Consumption from which I am suffering and they want me to come in this afternoon. I’m usually not one for going to the doctor unless I absolutely have to go. So I’m leaving early. On a gorgeous 80 degree day, I am starting my five day weekend early. Can’t get better than that, can it?
I want to tell you about Loud Happy Edgar #14. When I first moved into my apartment in Bellevue, I got my Dr Pepper from the mini mart on the corner. The morning guy’s name was Edgar. After him came Edgar, and then after him came Edgar. Were all three named Edgar, was that a requirement to work at my mini mart? I doubt it. They probably shared the name tag. So from then on, I called all the new morning people Edgar, in my mind. Unless I knew their real name. Like Sam. He was not Edgar. When I moved into the house, I had two mini mart options. Both AM/PM’s, Option A was closer and on the way to the freeway. Option B was a bit out of the way, and a tiny bit farther away. I tested them both and chose Option B. Because of Loud Happy Edgar #14.
Loud Happy Edgar #14 is Asian, I don’t know of what descent. I think Japanese. And she has a voice that is hard to describe. It is loud, very very loud, it is also somewhat shrill. English is not her first language, so there are interesting inflections in the things she says. If you have a headache, her voice is like a knife in your skull, I kid you not. If I were to type out her speech, I would need to use all caps, ala A Prayer for Owen Meany. But she is so freaking happy! And so enthusiastic and friendly. Every morning she shouts “HELL-ROOOOO!” Occasionally, her part of the conversation is just a vocalization such as ‘AAIIIYYY!” but I still know what she means. She just kills me. When Fee was in town, I took her to Option B AM/PM to see Loud Happy Edgar#14. It was mid-day and I think that her enthusiasm had waned. She was till super friendly. And super loud, she had just taken it down a notch.
Loud Happy Edgar #14 is sassy too. One day she asked me if I was a student, and I told her no, I worked for a software company. And she said, “AAIIYY! NO WONDER YOU ALWAYS DRESS LIKE THAT!”
“Like what?”
“LIKE COLLEGE STUDENT… WITH LITTLE MONEY, EH?” She said with a sassy grin.
I was wearing my Tiny’s Rent-aTire tshirt, which is black, a grey henley under it, jeans and sneakers. A perfectly lovely ensemble! Cheeky Edgar!
Loud Happy Edgar is backed up by Quiet Mumbling Happy Edgar #15, who is only understandable about 27% of the time, and Sullen Depressed Nights/Weekend Edgar #16, who reminds me of Eeyore, but angrier.
I meant to post this for Pru’s birthday
Aren’t I a cliche, blogging about my cat? Too bad! because… dude… SCATMAN CROTHERS.
I just want to thank everyone..
for being such nice internet friends. I’m afraid I am going to have to say goodbye now, for I am dying of baked cheese ravioli overdose, due to my dinner at Buco di Beppo’s. I had the Divine Lemon Chicken as well, but I think it was the ravioli, on top of the chicken and salad and cheesebread, that pushed me over the edge.
I love you all!