in my hororscope in the october issue of Jane magazine, it says “to you, less is not more, it’s less.” and boy is that true. i just had to reitterate that.
i’ve been worrying a lot about money. a whole lot. and shitload of a lot. i really hate money. but not in that, i just want to do without material possessions and be a minimalist way. but in, i want more. i want security and i want the freedom it gives me. freedom to buy toys, freedom to travel, freedom to take care of the ones i love. if that’s shallow, than just don’t lay face down in me, baby. [because it’s been shown that you can drown in 3 inches of water. i think.] i don’t fuckin’ care if it is shallow. for me to pretend to be feel any differently would be a lie. and which is worse, being what some would consider shallow? or a total and complete fake? i think you know my answer.
i don’t think i am a snob. i don’t think that i need more and more stuff to make me feel complete. but you know what? i like to buy shoes!! i like it. it’s FUN! like… it could be considered a hobby, it’s that much fun. the same with books. i could spend hours and hours in bookstores. and happily walk out with a stack of books. and what if i don’t get the chance to read them all? so what? i walk out with a stack full of wonder and possibility. and i can sell them at Half Price Books for someone else to enjoy, if i did not.
you know what else i like? i like buying stuff for people. i like to buy them stuff they wouldn’t buy themselves. because they can’t afford it. or don’t know it exists, but i do. and i know it’s perfect for them. i’d have to say that is my favorite hobby. buying presents for people.
and now i am in a financial pickle. and i can’t do any of those things. and i don’t know when i am going to be able to do them again. not for a long time. and i HATE it. it goes against everything i am. i’m not a frugal person. i don’t clip coupons and i don’t shop sales. [i don’t shop sales because i hate crowds of aggressive shoppers. it’s unpleasant and detracts from the fun. i’d rather shop online.] i don’t want to be this girl i am going to have to be for the next few years. it’s that bad. stupid IRS. but it’s my own fault.
the only thing i can figure out is, i am going to have to find a way to make money on my own. did i mention that we are going to have lay offs between now and the end of the quarter? yeah. we are. hopefully i’ll be fine. but i hate that feeling the entire company has, that worry. i don’t want to be dependent on anyone. and the most independent thing i can come up with, that suits me, is a best selling author. that’s my plan. i’m going to have to be a best selling author. that’s my plan. and maybe i’ll get started tonight. after CSI.

if you feel like you’ve lost control over your own life, this might make you feel better…
puppet man
or it might creep you out.