Yesterday, I spelled out my new theory regarding weddings and marriages to EvilDeb. I came up with a plan, to help thwart the Right Wing conservatives, who are so desperately trying to preserve the sanctity of marriage.
Now, I am 36, female, straight. Statistically speaking, I am way past the median age for my first marriage. Only 14.7% of women, in my age bracket, have never been married. In 1990, the average age of remarriage for divorced women, was 30.6. What does this all mean? What it means is, I should be well into my 2nd marriage by now. In fact, I am rapidly gaining of the average age for my 2nd divorce. I never used my first marriage, my first wedding. It’s gone. Poof. What’s more, I have no intention of getting married. I’d rather live in sin.
And so, I am going to donate MY first marriage, MY first wedding, to a gay couple. They will receive MY legal rights to have that first marriage recognized by the government. It was my right, I didn’t use it, I want someone to be able to benefit from that. Either way, it’s just as sacramental, is it not? Either that blessed holy union is used by a gay couple, or it’s lost and gone forever. I don’t think God likes it when you ignore his Blessed Gifts®. Right? I’m pretty sure that he would appreciate the frugality of my plan, not letting any Blessed Gifts® go to waste. Waste not, want not!
Of course, EvilDeb had a problem with my plan. Instead of seeing the genius, she only saw what she was not getting out of the deal. She thought she should be able to donate her 2nd marriage. I told her no. You are not eligible for the right of Second Marriage, until you dissolve the First. By giving away my First, I automatically move into position of eligibility for Second Marriage. EvilDeb has not moved into that position, as she is still entrenched in First Marriage. That pissed her off. I told her it wasn’t a punishment, she should be proud. I wouldn’t exactly brag about it, tho. But she would not be satisfied until I explained, under my new rules, she would be eligible for a prize upon her 25th anniversary. I don’t know, a big tax break or something. A new toaster? Trip to Las Vegas?
There you have it. I think I just have to call up my congressman and have him write up a lonely old bill, and let him sit on Capital Hill. Or, I shall just decree it so, and it shall be so. And gw bush can kiss my cat owning SWF ass!!
BRILLIANT!!
Hey! Can I donate my first marriage, too? I mean, it was almost a complete waste of my time (not completely, I got the ubercool Steve and Veronica kiddos as a consulation prize!).
no… silly. YOU used up your first marriage. i’m afraid that the fact it was a waste, with the exception of the kids, does not mean you can donate it. in fact, because of the kids, it was not a waste of time at all. really?
i appreciate your willingness to contribute to the cause, however. perhaps you could just volunteer your time to rally support for it. 🙂
Ok, I’m 24, will be 25 in June…am I eligible to give up a first marriage, yet? You know, living in the state of Utah, I should already be married with eight kids. Thank God, I’m not mormon. But I think you are absolutely brilliant! Excellent plan, we should all write letters to our congress people.
Aw, nuts!
you are elible to HAVE your first marriage, but you are not yet eligible to give it up. the average age for your FIRST divorce is roughly 30. By my calculations, you shouldn’t really be eligible to give your first wedding/marriage up until you are eligible for your 2nd. roughly age 35. i mean, we have to make it scientific, in order to make it irrefutable.