Over on River Selkie’s blog, she talked dreaming that she ran for president., and what that would entail. What changes it would bring to her life. Besides just having to learn all about politics. Which is tedious at best. And I thought, “hmmmm…. I wonder what they could dig up about me, that would smear my presidential campaign and slander my good name, bringing shame to all my friends and family.”
And so now I present to you –
Things About My Life That Would Keep Me From Being Elected President of The United States of America.
- I inhaled.
- I have not always filed my tax returns on time, nor have I paid them on time. [fuck the IRS]
- The bankruptcy. [if I can’t budget myself, how am I supposed to budget the country?]
- The infamous, and completely untrue, Yum-Yum Donut Accident Story that allowed me to withdraw from swim class, as a hardship, at SDSU. [Lying is wrong.]
- Any interview with any boss I’ve ever had, prior to this job. [well, about 90% of them, anyway.]
- A record that shows what books I have checked out from the Library. [you naughty girl!]
- Certain websites have, at times, received my credit card number in order to admit me “membership” to their websites with questionable morals. [but that was for a very good reason – a practical joke.Actually, it was more of a game.]
The trouble is, I never really did anything wrong, as a kid. I didn’t get into a lot of trouble. I used to say the worst thing I did in high school was miss the bus, making my mom would drop me off at school, on her way to work. She hated that. And I am serious. That’s about it. Oh sure, there’s some underage drinking in there somewhere, but that was mostly in college. And mostly in Tijajuana, where it was “legal” for me to drink. Frankly, I’m disgusted with myself. There are things that are embarrassing, but not a whole lot of scandal. I’m going to have to work on that.
Oh, I just came up with a Presidential decree. I was talking to my coworkers about some new drag and drop virus on WinXP SP2… I don’t what it is, I use a mac, and someone said, “who makes all of these things? who sits down and does this?” And I told them. Teenagers. Teenagers do it. And if I were president, I would give all the teenagers free access to internet porn. Because that would keep them busy, and they wouldn’t have time to make viruses. Coworkers agreed this was brilliant, and promised to vote for me.
you read my mind! i was just asking everyone what their scandals and slanderings would be!
like you, i was a good kid and sadly have nary a scandal to speak of. i must work harder for skeletons!
I comment on too many blogs to run for a government position. Besides, my slogan “HandJOBS, not handshakes!” might be too “out-there” for mainstream America… uptight bastards…
“As your President, I swear to increase the number of jobs, hand-related or otherwise… A chicken in every pot, a free bag of pot in every chicken, and a turgid penis in every hand! We don’t need jerk-offs in this country; WE NEED MORE JERK-ING- OFF! My name is Thomas, and I approve this message.”