Category Archives: evildeb

evildeb, work

Workplace Euphemisms

The Man: I’m cleaning my cube.

*Jodi, Evildeb and KK giggle, because sounds like a naughty joke.*

Evildeb: Is that a euphemism?

Jodi: I’m CLEANING my CUBE. Anything can be a euphemism if you say it right.

Evildeb: Well, I’m installing Publisher.

Jodi: I’m INSTALLING PUBLISHER. Hmmmm… what would that mean?

Evildeb: It means I am wasting my time.

*Jodi and Evildeb laugh uncontrollably. Because it’s a Mocking Publisher joke.*

Jodi: From now it, is is a official. “Installing Publisher” is another way of saying you wasted time.

The Man: What would ‘Extracting a DMG file’ mean?

Jodi: Ummmm… that would mean that you had to spend considerable time in the facilities. The restroom.

*Everyone laughs because it’s a poop joke*

Jodi: You know what? I am going to share our new euphemism with the whole world!

Evildeb: Is that a euphemism?

Pretty soon I am going to have to create a jodictionary, to explain all my new words and phrases.

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evildeb

You do know that…

…Evildeb only reads my blog when I tell her I wrote about her. Which I only do about a third of the time. And when she reads it, she usually comments. Because she is unable to let me have the last word in anything. If she could, she would temporarily take over my blog just for the purpose of proving that. By commenting, she is trying to leave her mark, one that says “you cannot have something that I cannot have! I won’t let that happen!” She’s so cute, she doesn’t even like blogs. Although, if she took the time to write one herself it would be entertaining, but I think she is more comfortable responding and reacting. I told her about the post from a couple of days ago, because I was unsure if I was a saint, in general, for sharing my wit and humor with my co-workers. Or if I was a saint for putting up with her. Probably the later.

This is how every argument with Evildeb goes, and keep in mind an argument can spring up from the most innocuous of comments, we argue constantly. Example:

Solution 1 in that document is wrong.

No, YOU’RE wrong.

I’m not wrong, the solution is wrong. YOU are wrong!

Your FACE is wrong!

“Your face is…” fill in the blank is the end of all arguments. Unless you want to pull out the extra ammo of “Well, your mother’s face is…” fill in the blank. But you gotta be careful with that one, because it’s only going to escalate from there. It might lead to pinching.

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evildeb, work

No brains, no headache…

as we like to say in my family. Which is just more proof that i have a GINORMOUS brain. Knew it all long, after all, I carry the thing around on my neck every day. But if I had doubts, my headaches could squelch them. Woke up with a pounding headache, went through my day with a pounding headache, and left a half hour early with a pounding headache. You know, one of the things that does not help a headache is sitting at the computer all day writing and researching. The funniest part about my headache…. Evildeb wasn’t even in the office today. She went down to see the babytechs with Dr. Stevil. It was quiet as a tomb in my pod today. Maybe it was evil withdrawal. I came home from work, went to bed and slept until 9. Now I’m awake and experiencing the post headache high.

Evildeb cannot sit through meetings. It is physically very painful for her. If she is not an active participant in the meeting, little pieces of her soul can be seen leaving her body… floating away from the top of her head. If you expect her to listen and retain information, you’d better make it appealing. It’s not her fault, she’s missing a certain synapse in her brain. To prolong her pain, turn the lights off and show a presentation on the wall. Even better, make it a white background, black helvetica text. That’s it. Then she will be bored, tired, antsy AND depressed. God love her. So if I am sitting next to Edeb in a meeting, and there is a pad of paper between us, we’ll often scratch comments or questions back and forth. I know it may appear rude, but believe me, I’m doing everyone a favor… keep her captive in a meeting room for too long, and she’ll try to chew her own leg off to escape. Also, it just so happens, I am also miss firing at certain synapses. By providing me with a piece of paper, and an audience, I will be more apt to keep my sarcastic, but terribly witty, comments to myself. I have Meeting Tourette’s.

Bad Employee #1: you know, i bet he folds his underwear into neat, uniformly sized underpants packets.

Bad Employee #2: you forgot to mention they are white.

Bad Employee #1: You are right of course. Resistance is futile!

Bad Employee #2: Kill the humanoid!

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evildeb

Ok buddy, uh, I was just tryin’ to cheer us up so go ahead. Put on some old sad bastard music, see if I care.

Yesterday was, officially, the most depressing day of the year. I’m not making it up…. The British decided it’s the most depressing day of the year. Apparently it all boils down to:

  • The crappy, dark, cold weather.
  • Any remaining dregs of holiday cheer are all used up.
  • Most people have already failed at their NY’s resolutions, by this point.
  • Credit card bills for holiday spending starting to arrive.
  • No fun to look forward to, no plans for holiday celebration, etc.

Well, I think it’s all crap. And you know how much I understand the depression. Maybe it’s just crap for me.

  • dark skies don’t bother me, and I don’t believe in the S.A.D.
  • holiday cheer is gone the morning of the 26th. It’s over. And I’m relieved. Any dregs are removed by the time I go back to work.
  • I didn’t make any resolutions.
  • I have no credit cards

I will admit, there is a long dry spell of no special workdays off. I don’t think there is an official holiday PTO until Memorial day. That is pretty bleak. I told Evildeb, who is very sensitive, that yesterday was the most depressing day of the year, and she said, “What? No, I was fine yesterday.” So that proves it. Believe me, if it had been true, she would have been depressed.

I bet the British never took Evildeb into account. No one ever does.

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evildeb

Hi! I’m Mimi! If you ever need a friend, or want to talk… Well, too damn bad!

Recently, Evildeb and Lloyd shipped No. 1 Son, Almost Certainly Evil Jacob, off to college – on the other side of the state. When your offspring moves out of the house, things instantly become simpler. No matter which kid. There is less laundry, fewer dirty dishes, less demand for the 1 full bathroom the Evil’s have in their house, less demand for face to face attention. No conflict over the tv, no friends of the offspring hanging around. Evildeb spent about one day examining this and said, “No, no, NO! This will never do. Things are not complicated enough. It’s too quiet. I cannot take it! I must have a dog. ASAP!”

The problem is, Lloyd is allergic to all living beings. Feathered, finned, furred or pink skinned. If it breaths, it makes him itch and sneeze. But it’s difficult to say no to the Debil. “They” decided that they would foster a dog for a month, and see how Lloyd did. It would need to be a dog that is known for being less allergenic. Like a poodle. Evildeb found a dog named Mimi, who is half poodle and half brichon frise. [i have no idea how to spell bichon frise.] Eleven months old, she had been rescued from a shed, where she had been kept 24/7.

Half the month is gone, and so far Lloyd is doing ok. The dog is delightful. Friendly and playful, odd for a dog who was locked in a shed. So the deciding factor, in whether they keep Mimi, is Lloyd. I asked her what she would do if Lloyd said he couldn’t live with the allergies.

“He would have to prove it.”

“But you said that it is ultimately up to him. It’s his decision. But if he says no, he’ll have to prove it?”

“well… yes.”

Here are some pictures of Mimi, in the black skull and cross bones hoodie Evildeb got her. So far, Mimi is a great excuse for Deb to spend money. Click for larger images.

She really is a cute dog.

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evildeb, work

Well, red usually means “Caution,” or “Beef” if it’s a bouillon cube.

The biggest, most exciting news in my life? My cube, at work, will be moving to another location in the building. Sometime. Maybe in spring. Which goes to show you just how exciting my life is right now. I want to be placed in a dark, quiet, isolated corner.

Here’s a fun fact about Evildeb, I really enjoy listening to her talk to customers. Especially difficult ones. It’s not that she’s mean or rude or anything. Quite the opposite. She’s very calm and collected, but firm. I’m too nice. She’s talking to a customer right now. One who is a bit on the clueless side. One who keeps escalating because she doesn’t like the technical answer she receives. So I’m listening to Evildeb explain simple technical facts over and over again. Cute!

Evildeb, Dr. Stevil and I are notorious for our bickering. You wouldn’t think we were friends. In fact, one boss Steve and I had, came to me and asked me if he and I were having problems [I don’t think she had been our boss for long] because she heard us arguing. I explained that that was how we showed our love for one another, by trying to make the other one so angry, they started throwing things. Put three stubborn, dominate, opinionated people in a room. Make them each incredibly different in temperament. Give them each a different point of view, a different way of seeing things, a different way of solving problems, and a different work style. Make one of them a super genius like me. Make one of them pathologically unable to admit she is ever ever ever wrong, even if she is. And make the other one a crabby gay man with a great love for shoes. What do you have? Weapons of mass destruction, that’s what. So, I was very amused when an employee at our vendors, wrote a story about working with everyone here, before she left the company. I really enjoyed our paragraph. I hope she doesn’t mind I am going to paste that part here. By the way, there is a wizard in this story.

All Jodi could hear from her perch in the top of the tree was Deb yelling “You either get down here or I’m sending Steve up to slap you”! She looked down scornfully. It had taken her a long time to get her beanbag chair all the way to the top branch. And she was tired from her second trip up carrying the popcorn. “Yeah, yeah, you’ll never get me” she taunted, smacking her lips on the buttery popcorn she was shoving in her mouth. Steve was enraged and started scrambling up the tree. Deb pushed him from behind. “Stop pushing me” he said, reaching behind himself to wave her away. “I’m not pushing” she hissed, “I’m helping. Now stop yammering and get up the tree”! With a chuckle the Wizard grabbed them all, stuffing them into the bag with all the others.

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evildeb, movies and tv

If the dead try to get ahold of me, take a message please.

If I make one more post about the weather… that would just be sad. But I can’t help but mention that, according to weather.com, it should be snowing here in about 30 minutes.

On Saturday, Evildeb and I went to see White Noise. I was under the impression that this was a scary scary movie. And I desperately wanted to see a scary scary movie about dead people. Movies with demonic serial killers in stripey sweaters don’t really scare me. Occasionally, they startle me. But that’s their only trick. And it gets old. I wanted to see movie that scared me. I can tell it was a scary movie, if I lie in bed, at night, and pray to fall asleep quickly so I don’t have to think about it too much. And if I can’t, I protect myself by pulling the covers up over my head. Guaranteed to protect you from all sorts of evil. So, White Noise, not a scary movie. I would call it Spooky Suspenseful. And we enjoyed it, aside from my disappointment. I made the mistake of listening to an Alternative Rock Morning DJ, when he said it was scary. And you know, I don’t even like Alternative Rock Morning DJs. I find them annoying. I must have been scanning stations in my car, on my way to work or something. I guess this A.R.M.D.J. is just a pussy. God, I hate those guys.

For scary, Louise suggests the German movie Anatomie. So does Clive Barker, for that matter. [they bonded over this film. that one time, when they fell in love.] But she also states that she’s a wuss, when it comes to scary movies. I have to admit, movies tend to be a bit scarier when I watch them at home. Alone. In the dark. So I’ll add it to my netflix queue.

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evildeb

Conversations with EvilDeb, in which we learn her Bond Girl name.

ED: I’m hungry… what should I eat? What should I eat?

Me: *the sound of someone ignoring EvilDeb because she talks to herself all the time.*

ED: I know, I’ll eat this apple. This one sitting right here. It has my name all over it. Pippin. Ha!

Me: Pippin? Your name is Pippin now.

ED: Yes. Apparently it is.

Me: Well, I’m … ummm…. Golden Delicious.

ED: Is that your stripper name?

Me: Yes. No, wait… my stripper name is Tigger Tanglewood.

ED: Tigger… I’m going to call you Tigger Delicious from now on.

Me: That sounds like a Bond Girl name.

ED: Tigger Delicious!

Me: I will call you…. Pippin Silkstockings!

… 20 minutes later, on a walk to the People Communist Collective grocery store, EvilDeb’s Bond Girl name was changed to Pippin Pussywillow because it had a more pleasant alliteration.

Pippin Pussywillow is not here today, she is having more novocain shot into her head.

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evildeb

Gil Grissom, meet EvilDeb

EvilDeb is going to get a Forensic Data Recovery certificate. She’s starting classes next month.She’ll be learning about trojans, backdoors and sniffers. I asked her what that was all about.

Me: sooo… do you get to get DNA samples, and use the violet light to look for sperm droppings?

ED: no, it’s on the COMPUTER.

Me: recovery of sperm off computers?

ED: no, more like… kiddie porn. I get to look for evidence of kiddie porn.

I should have known, she’s shown interest in these sick proclivities before.

Picture taken, obviously, by EvilDeb. Kiddies and Kitties… nekkid together. I guess it’s escalated from there.

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evildeb

Well, technically speaking, the operation is brain damage, but on a par with a night of heavy drinking. Nothing you’ll miss.

A few brief updates you need to be aware of:
The sewer line will not be fixed until Saturday, we are scheduled to return to normal plumbing functions by the end of that day.
EvilDeb is working from home today. She had a doctor’s appointment this afternoon to have some novocain shot in her head. Somehow, this is supposed to help them devise a treatment plan for her neck arthritis. She has arthritis in the neck cuz she’s getting old. There’s not a lot you can do about that. So I think they shot her in the head with a bunch of novocain in order to help her not whine so much about it. Look… I don’t know why they did it, all I know is, she couldn’t eat or drink this morning before the “procedure” and they had to wheel her out in a wheelchair and “it was actually necessary.” Oh, and the drugs they gave her were “excellent,” and she’s feeling very woozy. And her neck is numb. So my theory about the whining might be correct. She certainly doesn’t seem to be complaining right now.
And, finally, in a segment we like to call “Like EvilMother, Like EvilSon,” while chatting with me this morning, EvilDeb said that Number One Son, FairlyEvilJacob, was drinking a glass of water only to see a giant spider floating in it. Apparently, he almost barfed. Which totally counts. “Almost” counts in barfing and horseshoes. I guess the giant spider dropped from the sky, into his glass of water. I don’t think he actually sipped the spider. However, I enjoyed that story. Brought back memories.

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