Basically, I’m pretty comfortable living alone. I’ve done it for a long time now. I’m good at it. A little spoiled with it, in fact. But there are times when it would be nice to have another human being in the house. That’s usually when you wake up from a nightmare. And your house, which is normally a comforting quiet and dark at night, all the sudden has strange noises that concern you. Noises that sound vaguely boogiemanish. Noises a serial rapist clown would make, if he were breaking into your home with his giant clown shoes and red rubber nose. At times like these, you do the best you can. If the cat is sleeping on the bed with you, you pat her and let her know it’s ok, clowns aren’t really that scary. If the cat is not sleeping with you, you call out to her repeatedly until she hops up on the bed and lies down on you. And purrs. And then, of course, you pull the comforters over your head and repeat the protective mantra “go back to sleep go back to sleep go back to sleep!”
But last night was a doozie… I woke up screaming. I can’t remember ever doing that. Waking up with a yell or a shout, yes. But waking up screaming? No. And I can’t even remember what happened in the dream, because so many weird dreams came after that one. Including the one where I come to work in my white, terry cloth spa robe. The one I like to wear after taking a shower. Not as bad as coming to work naked, of course, but people do still look at you oddly. Anyway, in case you’ve never woken up screaming before, let me clue you in, it’s very unsettling. And the cat has no interesting in comforting you because you’ve scared the crap out of her. Pulling your covers over your head is not enough. Your normal mantra won’t work. Instead you have to sing “This Little Light of Mine… I’m Going to Let it Shine,” over and over. And you hear yourself ask the question you’ve never dared ask yourself before, “why didn’t I marry a NRA card carrying professional wrestler when my momma told me to?”
Speaking of scary, you should go see what happens at Marie’s house when she shoves a can of beer up a chicken’s butt and serves it for dinner. Tasty! No, seriously. It looks yummy.
