Conversation overheard while waiting in a waiting room, two sorority girls, one trying to fill out a health record, both talking on cell phones and to each other at the same time.

SG#1: ok, here, where it asks if I have been tested positive for hepatitis, what does that mean?

SG#2: I don’t know… [to the phone] no, I wanted to check out the other rooms first, because that one room is hecka-small.

SG#1: does it mean that I’ve had the shots? Because I positively had the shot. Is that what it means?

at this point, Someone’s Mother, who is also waiting in the waiting room, jumps in.

SM: Did you have the shot as a preventive measure? Or did you have it because they told you you had hepatitis.

SG#1: Ewww… no, I had it because… you know when you go to school, they make you get shots…

SM: Then the answer is most likely no.

SG#2: Listen to her, she is like… a mother. [to the phone] yeah, she said I could have the dog.

SG#1: What? What dog? I totally hate animals. It can’t stay at the sorority.

SG#2: It’s going to stay at my parents.

SG#1: hmmm… AIDS? Oh I’d BETTER NOT have AIDS. “Are you addicted to drugs and alcohol?” ummm depends, what day of the week is it? Ha-ha-ha.. just kidding. That’s not funny.

SG#2: I thought it was funny.

SG#1: Ok… are you under treatment for mental illness? Ha! Noooooo…

SM: [quietly] But maybe you should be.

at this point, SG#1goes up to the receptionist and asks


SG#1: Ummm… how honest do I have to be on this?

Receptionist: What do you mean? About what?

SG#1: well, because I am getting the depro-provera shot. But the mom and dad don’t know that. And I don’t want the mom and dad to know. So do I have to answer this question honestly?

Receptionist: Ummmmm….

Me: [in my head] birth control? thank god!!

I would totally learn to play chess if I could play with this chessboard.

Actually, I would totally learn to play chess if anyone would be willing to teach me, regardless. But it would be ever so much more fun with a Justice League chessboard.

Fee and I had a great time this weekend. Now I am suffering from Fee withdrawal. Which is not unlike caffeine withdrawal with a touch of acid reflux thrown in. This weekend left me with jeans that at all too tight. There was a lot of food involved. Junk food. Comfort food. Although, right now, it’s definitely discomfort food. I might have to declare tomorrow Pajama Pant Tuesday.

Saturday night Fee and I went over to Evildeb’s house, and Fee was able to witness the Best Bad Movie in the history of all Bad Movie I discovered when I still had HBO. Deep Blue Sea. Do you doubt it’s genius? Don’t make me tell you about ice. This movie is BRILLIANT. Everyone is free to come over to Evildeb’s house and we’ll watch it with you. We’ll make popcorn and cupcakes and we’ll drink fruity cocktails and we’ll watch you enjoy the film, as you begin to wonder how you ever lived a full life without knowing it’s beauty. I think I’ve watched this film about a dozen times. At least.

Yesterday Fee and I were up in the Pike/Pine area of Capital Hill, looking for a place called Frites. It’s a Belgian Fry place, all it sells are fries in paper cones. With dozens and dozens of dipping sauce choices. Like a dope, I left the house without getting the address. But I knew the general area to look. I thought I could find it. Wrong. So I took Fee into Toys in Babeland for the dual purpose of taking her into a sex toy shop [for potential blog fodder] and to ask if they knew where Frites was. Sadly, we had missed a free workshop on Pumping your Privates for Pleasure. However, if she comes back on April 3rd, I believe, we could attend Porn Appreciation. Directions given, we set off down Pike or Pine [who’s to say which one it was, they are pretty interchangeable], discussing the possible merits of glass blown sex toys. While the nice lady sent us on the right way, she neglected to tell us that we had to leave Pike/Pine. So after talking to a nice girl at Tully’s, we finally found it. Only it wasn’t open for another hour. Fee was already shivering with cold [because it was a frigid 62 degrees and sunny] and hunger [because she is so very delicate]. So we ate somewhere else. By the time we were done, it was time for Frites to open up. We walked to the car, and I was going to drive by and drop Fee off, so she could grab some fries. She got out of the car, but came back less than a minute later. Open only twenty minutes, they had already left a sign on the door that said “be back in five minutes.” So we both said “Fuck you, Frites!! You can take your screwy Belgian Fries and shove em somewhere uncomfortable!” Or that might have just been me.

Speaking of corrupting Fee, I also bought some Whoppers Malted Easter Robin’s Eggs, which she had never had. She was sadly innocent of Easter candy, being Muslim. But she tried them, and now she has Jesus Christ swimming around in her soul!! That’s the real purpose of Easter Candy, you know. Won’t be long before she’s dying eggs and hiding them in the back yard.

don’t think the irony was lost on me.

Doncha hate it when you come home to find your house is not as clean as you thought it was, and you have company coming in from out of town tonight, but before you pick them up at the airport you have to go to your aunt’s candle party – want to more than have to – and so you don’t have much time to clean up but you are still stalling anyway? I know I do. At first, I came home to find a strange IM on my screen, and I didn’t recognize the screen name. So I told Fee that I would be unable to straighten up for her visit, because I needed to investigate this. Well, that only took like five seconds. It was Amy. But then we had to talk for a bit. I’ve been very chatty today, emails, chats, conversations and I even *gasp* made a phone call. One of the email conversations I was having mentioned porn, as all email conversations are wont to do. And I thought “hey… PORN! I wonder how Mr. Moon is doing.” So I called him up. Mrs. Moon has not been having fun with the second pregnancy, she’s been barfy all over the place. But he was happy to hear from me, and we chatted a bit. They won’t know for a few more weeks whether New Baby Moon is a girl or boy. Either way, I think that they should give it the middle name Blue. After all, Sophistry’s middle name is Crescent. If my last name was Moon, all my babies would have moon themed middle names. Crescent, Blue, Full, New, Harvest… Man on The… ummm… Blood… errrr…. Jupiter’s. Anyway, so, very chatty, yes. Back to stalling. After I was done telling Amy all about how Samantha on Bewitched really did wiggle her nose, it wasn’t special effects,* I decided to pretend I was too tired to clean, and climbed under the covers. But it’s not true. I’m not too tired. I just hate doing it. So now I’m blogging. I’m dying to tell you all about my morning dr. pepper rituals and my new edgars I’ve found since I moved into the house. [Edgars #15 and 16. Or as I like to think of them, Loud-Happy Edgar and Mumbling-Happy Edgar] I don’t know why, I could have told you about them months and months ago. But, oddly, I have a deep burning need to tell you today!! AAaaackk!!

Man, what a sucky host I am. I’m going to go take a shower before the candle party. At least I’ll be clean.

*this is true. The actress had a special little tick she used, it was actually her mouth moving back and forth. Therefore, it’s possible to learn how to do it. I told Amy it’s a life long dream of mine to be able to do it. She decided to write a paper on my progress. So far, no progress. But it’ll be genius when it’s done.

Last night Tessa [aka: Smackastasia] broke up with her guy. It turned out that he was just not that into her. She’s doing fine, but she does have one critical step to take. She needs to come up with a rude or defamatory nickname for him, that rhymes with his name. It’s essential for the “letting go” phase. She is the one who gets to do this because he was the one who was just not that into her. That’s the way it works, thems are the rules. Unfortunately, his name does not rhyme with prick. So she consulted google, to find a euphemism for penis that would rhyme with “ack.” She ran across this. I was thrilled because I really did not have much to talk about today. So a website that provides you with every euphemism for the penis known to the English speaking world was a lifesaver of blog fodder.