Louise stood me up for the Neil Gaiman signing last night. I got her a book signed anyway. She’s lucky I didn’t have it signed to Sucko McSuckypants. That’s Scottish, right? Feh, I owed her a signed book anyway. But that is not the point. I did run into someone from work, so I didn’t have to sit all by myself.
Speaking of spiders – Neil Gaiman’s latest book is about Anansi the African Spider God. And his sons. – lately the little buggers have been trying to trap me in my house. Many many little freakies have been building their webs above and around the doors to my house. Sometimes spanning the doorway, from shrub to shrub, in the middle of the night so I walk straight into it in the morning, resulting in a little dance in which i drop everything to swat at myself, jumping about the driveway, and brushing off dozens and dozens of invisible spiders. And shrieking. Like a girl. Here’s the thing, these spiders? They only come out at night. And they are HUGE mutherfucking spiders. I am serious. I know I am prone to exaggeration. At times. But these creepy spiders are ginormous. Ok, they are not tarantulas, but I am thinking that there were some weird mutant spiders born in my yard over the summer. Because I have never seen so many that big.
I asked my stepdad about them, and he said, “Oh, yes, well it’s getting colder, they are starting to move in.”
“Move in? Move in how? What move in?”
“Move in closer to the house, in the house, they do it every year.”
“Over my dead arachnophobic body!”
So I have to use a broom and play web demolition. I don’t like to do it, webs are pretty and look like hard work. But there ain’t no freakin’ way I am letting them slide their leggies into my house. Besides, why do they have to hang out in my doorways? Why do they have to attach themselves to my recycling bin? There are two sides of the house I never visit, why don’t they go build their communities over there? They probably have, I just haven’t looked. There is probably a whole cabana of spiders living outside my bedroom window. Well, they are all coming down. New rule, webs are only welcome 10 feet from the house, and may not touch the house, my car, or my trash receptacles. I’m arming myself with my broom when I get home. Before it gets dark, that is.
