I get hits on the webcam page, and I feel bad because it’s never on. It’s on now, although I cannot promise I’ll be in front of it if you look… I’m seriously thinking about contemplating scheduling some times to consider doing the dishes.

Anyway, if you are all up in the twitter, I’ll try to remember to send a tweet when I turn it on.

I was just watching 60 Minutes and I have an important question. Why don’t old men trim their eyebrows when they grow enormous and bushy? I have no idea what Andy Rooney was saying because I was too distracted, unpleasantly so, by the ginormous bushy eyebrows on his face.

Why why WHY??

I’m tired today. Emotionally tired. There are times I feel like my only purpose is to clean and procure more food stuffs. Nobody wants or needs anything else from me. Expectations are low. The return is even lower. I’m defeated.

I’m in a bad mood. In fairness, maybe I should mention that it’s possibly a tiny bit hormone fueled. But I don’t think that should invalidate the feelings themselves.

It’s ok, tho. Real Genius is coming on the tv in a half an hour and I just bought a new box of Safeway brand Strawberry Frozen Yogurt dipped in Dark Chocolate bars. Who could fail to be cheered by that?

A few weeks ago, Roland asked me to fill out his Action Plan. (It took me a while, sorry, Rols.) Perhaps he is trying to pry me away from my television set? Cheeky.

1: Name three things about yourself you would like to improve:

– I procrastinate too much and I am very lazy. This means I don’t accomplish a lot of things I would like to accomplish. I’ve been unemployed for a year now and I really don’t have much to show for it. Which is a shame.

– I wish I spoke a second language fluently.

– I’d like to have more confidence about my writing. Oh, and I’d like to play the cello for reals.

2: Name something you would like to achieve:

a) Within 1 year: Finish a story/book

b) Within 5 years: buy a house

c) Within 10 years: Well, by then I hope to have several published books to my credit. And a swing for the front porch on that house I bought 5 years ago.

3: Name something you would like to help achieve for somebody else:

I would like to be happy, healthy and safe for my mom’s sake. Sure, I’d like it for myself too, it’s a win-win really. But I know that happy, healthy, safe and content children would give my mom a great deal of peace. It’s the least I can do, right?

4: Name one place you haven’t been, but you’d like to go:

Paris

5: Name one person you haven’t met, but would like to:

My new cous-n’phew Julian. I haven’t been able to travel to the states since he was born last fall

6: Name three material things you would like:

a). a house

b). an iPhone

c). a pet dolphin. The dolphin will need a pretty amazing dolphin habitat as well, so I’ll need one of those.

I used to be fierce.

I was funny. Entertaining. Smart. People enjoyed being around me. People sought my company. Wanted to spend time with me. I was definitely all three dimensions. I pretty much did whatever I wanted. I may not have always been happy, or healthy, but gol darnnit I was independent. I was an individual.

I’m not going to lie to you. For the past 3 months, life has been The Suck. And I decided, several weeks ago, to just stop doing things. I haven’t cooked a meal in a long time. What little interest I had in housekeeping has long since fled. I have developed a close friendship with my high definition tv.

I flattened.

When I was single and alone, I could tell you everything. If I wanted to. Life gets more complicated and sometimes I chose respect for others and privacy. This is what I am doing now. So I apologize if you sometimes get the “what” without me giving you the “why.”

I am not good at writing from a place of pain. I don’t write poetry. I’m not especially elegiac. I write in paragraphs, not short burst of emo. It’s not my shtick. When I write comfortably, I write from a place of humor.

But I’ve lost mine. I’m working on getting it back. But I can’t promise some anger, frustration, sadness and other ick doesn’t seep out.

I’ll do my best.

Because I used to be fierce and I can be that way again.

I am married.

I am a married woman. I have a husband. In some way, this factors into everything I do and every decision I make because it should. We are partners.

There are aspects of my life that have nothing do with him. When I had a job, for instance. But even then he was with me. In my heart and mind. Ok, I never wrote a bug report or technical document with his opinion in mind. But like the ring on my finger, this aspect of my life is always there. Even when I am on my own, doing my own thing, expressing my own views.

And I’m proud of that.

And I respect it.