Author Archives: Jodi

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BC – it doesn’t just stand for British Columbia

Yesterday I had a dr’s appt. A FEMALE doctor’s appt. The doctor was female as well. Anyhoo, it’s the bestest most fun kind of appt to have, any gal can tell you that. They ask you all sorts of really personal questions. “Are you sexually active?” That was always fun, when I was single. Well, define “active.” Why do they call it “birth control?” It’s not the birth you want to control, it’s the conception. They should call it “conception control.”

Having a “partner” adds a new twist to their questions. I guess they assume we have grown up discussions where we plan the details of our future and construct a timeline. If they saw my life, my home, my car, the inside of my purse, my cube at work… they’d know better than to think I’m that organized. I’ll tell you what I’ve planned. I’m moving to Canada. That’s about it.

Them: Are you planning on having children?

Me: Uhhh… ok…. yes? sorta.

Them: Have you thought about when you might want to become pregnant?

Me: pregnant? ohhh… ummm…

Them: At your age, the window of opportunity is starting to narrow.

Me: oh dear.

Them: It’s something to think about.

Me: Well… I HAVE A BOYFRIEND!

Them: Yes, well, that’s an excellent start.

But, you know, no pressure or anything.

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Canada, William

I believe in… miracles. Where you from? You sexy thing.

So, weeks and weeks ago I asked you if you believed in ghosts and then never told you why I asked. Silly me.

Last month, my mom and her husband, Bob, came up to Victoria to visit and meet Wil. We took them for brunch at my favorite brunch place, John’s place. And we took them on a Historical Ghost Walk of Victoria. Victoria, it seems, is one of the most haunted places in the Pacific Northwest. One reason? The Hudson Bay Company did not follow the cardinal rule of Poltergeist. They may, or may not, have moved the gravestones, but they DID NOT MOVE THE BODIES, when they kicked the native dwellers off their lands and started building. Man, you ALWAYS move the bodies. Always. Also, I don’t think ghosts like the water, so they are pretty much island bound. I might be making that up, tho, I’m not sure.

Wil does not believe in ghosts. I like the idea of ghosts. It appeals to me. But I’ve never had a ghostly experience. And I didn’t that night. Well, maybe I did, I don’t know. One of the symptoms of a ghostly experience is a sudden drop in temperature surrounding you. But it was night and outside and we were already cold. I could have been frosted in ghosts and not known it. Several times we were led through alleys and hallways that were supposed to be ripe with spirits. Nothing. Nada. And I had an open mind. Wil did not. When asked if he was at all sensitive, his response was “I’m the most insensitive guy you’ll ever meet.”

But, it was interesting. A slightly more gruesome way of delivering some history, so it’s fun. During the summer, they have five different routes. Victoria is that haunted. And I would definitely take visitors on one, if they liked. Good times. Spooky fun. Two spectral thumbs up.

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Canada, William, work

Not just another Monday morning excuse.

As you may know, Kraft Macaroni and Cheese is called “Kraft Dinner” up here in Canada. When I was in the store yesterday, I saw they had a flavor we don’t have in the states – sharp cheddar. I LOVE Kraft M&C… Wil, not so much. But he’s indulging me and we are preparing dinner of M&C and caesar salad. How domestic. By “we” I mean “he” of course.

Friday night, my car broke down on I-5, in the middle of nowhere. In the pitch dark. Surrounded by wolves, I’m pretty sure. Probably because I just didn’t get to spend enough money on the plumber earlier that week. Destiny thought I could use some more major expenses right before the holidays. Thank god for cell phones, although AAA could not find someone to come out to tow me, so the State Patrol sent someone out and I paid them out of my pocket. They towed my car to Mount Vernon, where the service station was already closed for the weekend. All the car rental places were closed for the evening. I had to stay the night at a Qaulity Inn. But they had wi-fi, which was, pretty much, the bright spot in my day.

I had to email in to work. I’m going to have to go to Mount Vernon and deal with my car. The spectacularly unhelpful whelp who was in charge of the station that evening seemed to think that there was no way they’d be able to fix my car in 2006. If not, I’ll have to have it towed somewhere else. Everyone says, based on the symptoms, it’s my alternator.

I tried and tried all weekend to find a way to make this tale more amusing. But the sad fact is, it’s just annoying.

Oh well. My mac and cheese is ready! Bon Appetite!

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50 Word Fictions

50 Word Fiction Fridays Vol. 56

A couple of weeks ago, I took one of those “you are so smart, you know our products so well” tests. However, I was not smart enough to sign up for the right version. Color me surprised when I failed! Der. Whata dope. Anyway, I am re-taking it today. Or just taking it. Since this time, I plan on taking the correct version. So the them this week is “ace.”

Watch for Falling Ice

She raised a hand to block out harsh winter sun. Turning her head, she saw the days work, the hunting and gathering, spilled out on the ground, plastic bag still grasped in her hand. Large shoes appeared before her. Shoes planted firmly on the icy sidewalk.

“Way to go, Ace.”

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Uncategorized

Extracting the nutrients of the damned.

Yesterday I hit the drive thru for lunch, and after the Expedient Nourishment Technician gave me the total, I pulled around the Window One with 7 1’s in my hand and just looked at him. I wanted him to repeat the total:

ENT: That’s $6.66.

Me: Ooooooo

ENT: Yes… 3 6’s.

Me: IT’S THE LUNCH OF THE DEVIL!!!

ENT: Oh, yes. Ha. Here is your change, 34 cents.

Me: My lunch is CURSED!!

ENT: OK, Ha. Yes.

Me: My lunch is EVIL!! Oh woe is me! I’m DOOMED!!

ENT: Ok, your lunch is at the 2nd window, please drive thru.

Me: Sandwich of Saaaaaatan!

It’s ok, tho. I stopped off and got a Dr Pepper, which totally counteracts any evil from the lunch. I’m good.

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Canada, pru, William, work

O Canada – my home and not-so-native land?

it’s been hard for me to blog the last few weeks, because I’ve had a secret. What was on my mind I could not blog about. Not until I spoke with certain people first, took certain steps. But, it’s all good now, and so I can tell you.

I gave notice yesterday, at my POE. I’m leaving at the end of the month. End of the year, I suppose, as well. I’m moving to Canada. Ironic that I should do it now, and not in 2004, but since I’m not doing it for political reasons, I guess that doesn’t matter. Obviously, I am going to be moving in with Wil. We are looking to get a place for February 1st. And really, I could not be happier.

Moving to Victoria is a lot more complicated than moving to, say, Portland or Los Angeles. It’s a gigantic pain in the ass, to be honest. I’m doing the research, but from what I can tell, I’m going to have to inventory and price every single item I move over there. Every. Single. Item. Like I can remember how much my monkey socks cost! This is what I am going to spend January doing. Separating things into 1. Taking, 2. Storing and 3. Garage Sale. I’ve never had one, but I have some friends who might have a few things to sell, not worth an entire GS themselves, but combined I bet we’ll have a good stash.

I can’t work there, without a VISA. Luckily, I am in a situation where, if we are very careful and budgeted, I can take time off. I’m going to be… wait for it…. a HOUSEWIFE! Hahahahaha! Oh man, just thinking of it cracks me up. I don’t know… what do you think I should do with my time? Improved blogging output, for one. In fact, I hope to do a lot more writing. Learn to cook, maybe? Kick off my shoes and get pregnant? Who knows.

So… what do you think? Be prepared for much discussion of immigration and the politics of introducing Your Cat to His Cat, and Him, and a New Home, all at once, over the next few weeks.



Wil and his cat, Momo

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pru, William

Bonus points if you know who JP Patches is.

Well, the snow did it’s best to prevent me from coming up here, but it finally warmed up and stuff started melting off. You would think that it wouldn’t matter that much, as I am on I-5 the entire way, and SURELY I-5 has been plowed since Monday’s storm. Surely. But you’d be wrong. I guess Nobody cared about the last 10 miles of the United States. It was actually a bit shocking. Because i was driving 70 miles an hour, like everyone else, to hit all these patches of frozen snow. Bastards.

Wil is sick. It’s very sad. He has a bad cold. Last night I made him take some nighttime cold meds, as he had not been able to sleep the last two nights. And I made him go to bed at 9 pm. I wasn’t the slightest bit sleepy. The only problem was, Jack and her sister Hazel were here too, and they had to go to bed as well, they have school this morning. So there was no place for me to go. Wil asleep in the bedroom. The girls asleep in the living room. I suppose I could have hung out in the bathroom.

So I lied in bed and thought, and composed brilliant emails and blog posts that are now lost to the wind. To the best of my recollection, these are some of the things I thought about:

  • Veronica Mars
  • bunk beds
  • jersey knit sheets
  • laundry
  • chocolate chip cookies
  • J.P. Patches
  • Linens N’ Things
  • playing house
  • Christmas
  • kittens
  • Momo and Pru
  • Dijon chicken and rice.
  • pillow top mattresses
  • filing systems
  • border agents
  • WoW
  • boxers
  • orange juice
  • Australia
  • Banff
  • blogging
  • my friend Karyn
  • ergonomics
  • home offices
  • swimming
  • dolphins
  • the ability to suck someone else’s sickness out them with your mind
  • and, of course, snow.

I’m happy to say, that since Wil got about 10 hours of sleep, he’s doing much better. He seems perkier, albeit still congested and coughy.

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Home from the Holidays

You know, a 3 hour lay over in a airport 1 hour away from my stepmother is not the only traveling mistake I made Monday. I didn’t mean to come home in the middle of a snow storm. Honest. I didn’t.

What a nightmare the airport was. The minute we landed, everyone got on their cell phones and I started hearing conflicting reports of which route to take home. I did hear that I should fill the tank, go the bathroom, and bring food because it was going to be a long haul. I didn’t want to call my mom, because it was kinda late, so I did as instructed, picked up my luggage and headed out to the parking lot.

Now, I never knew that cold temperatures could affect elevators but 4 of the 6 elevators were out of service. And it took me, I kid you not, 10 minutes to take an elevator up one floor. There were people who would flat out NOT hold the door while I struggled to get over to the elevator going up with everything in my hands. It was a breakdown in humanity, I’m telling you. But, then I got up to the fifth floor and… realized I had forgotten where I had parked. I knew it was 101… something. Possibly the 5th floor.

It took 25 minutes of walking around for me to find it. Up and down the aisles. FYI – 5G-101.

So, I got out of the parking lot no problem. But then, it actually got worse at that point. 20 minutes on the road to the freeway and I had moved yards. I gave in and called my mom, took her advice and checked into their airport Hilton. Really comfy bed and, in my opinion, black out curtains are the best invention of the 20th century. My next bedroom is going to have some. I stayed there until checkout, giving all the ice a chance to melt, before I headed home.

Now, I’m home, surrounded by snow, with a cat who won’t leave my side. She missed me. It’s cozy. Another storm is on the way, and I’m bummed because it will delay my trip up to Victoria. But I’ve got hot chocolate, plenty of stuff saved up on the tivo, laundry to do, and a level 19 Night Elf Hunter who is soooo close to levelling up to 20 it’s not even funny. So I’ve got no real complaints. it’s all good.

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Everyone knows that Jesus appreciates quality footwear.

Boy, am I stupid. I’m sitting here in the Charlotte NC Airport because I am the worst travel planner in the world. The flight from the Greensboro Airport to Charlotte was about an hour. Add in the requisite two hour buffer arrival time, and that’s three hours. Now, it’s about two and a half until my plane takes off to Seattle. My stepmom said it would have taken her about an hour to drive to Charlotte. Are you sensing my stupidity here?

If only there was wireless here. I could be playing WoW, at the very least. Instead, I am sitting in a Chili’s. Which is fine, I truly enjoy their Grilled Chicken Cesar Salad. It’s a shame that i am not doing NaNo… oh the writing I could get done.

So last night, when we were traveling through the Festival of Lights at Tanglewood Park, my steomom had Christmas songs playing on the radio. Josh and I were sitting in the back seat when this horrible song came on. Truly, the worst xmas song I’ve ever heard. It’s called XXXXXXX, and it’s all about this kid who’s mom is dying. This poor, dirt covered kid, who is trying to buy his dying momma a pair of shoes on Christmas Eve. And he doesn’t have a lot of time left, apparently she is truly at death’s door, so won’t someone please sell him these shoes so his momma will look pretty if she goes to meet Jesus tonight. I’m not making this up, has anyone else heard this song?

Now the moment he mentioned his momma looking pretty when she went to meet Jesus, Josh and I started balking. It was the worst kind of manufactured sentimentality. And even worse, it wasn’t even good, musically speaking. Listen to it, if you dare….. it’s called the Christmas Shoes.



Gross, eh? I mean, seriously… COME ON! I declared that whomever wrote this song should be shot. I’m actually kind of offended by the crass use of, well, poor children with dying mommas. And Christmas. And shoes. But then I felt bad, because it it’s Christmas and all.

Me: But in the butt, maybe. With buckshot? Not like… TO DEATH or anything.

Josh: To the pain?

Me: Exactly!

Wow, two hours and 20 minutes to go. I’d better eat this salad slowly.

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