hi!
i’m not dead. fever’s gone. things are looking up. thinking of introducing some vertical into my day.
happy cinco de mayo.
Author Archives: Jodi
All of the sudden I am sick
Like that. BAMF! I came home from work last night, and went into my room to kick my shoes off, I got a little too close to my bed and it sucked me in and under the covers. It has a tendency to do that. Pru was happy because she was looking for something warm and squishy to lie down upon, something into which she could hook her claws. All of the sudden I wake up, it’s 30 minutes later, and I am sick. Just like that. Sore throat, congestion, achey head… some stupid cold just came in and bit me.
I came into work today, but most people have requested I go home. Everyone stands well away from me. Except Amelia. Speaking of her… many people tell me that what the world needs now are bracelets that say W.W.A.D. That would be cool. I asked her what she would do in my situation, if she were sick:
“I think you should go over and lick the monkee’s phone receiver, when he’s away from his desk.”
“BRILLIANT!!”
Now, to unleash screaming temporal doom!
Basically, I’m pretty comfortable living alone. I’ve done it for a long time now. I’m good at it. A little spoiled with it, in fact. But there are times when it would be nice to have another human being in the house. That’s usually when you wake up from a nightmare. And your house, which is normally a comforting quiet and dark at night, all the sudden has strange noises that concern you. Noises that sound vaguely boogiemanish. Noises a serial rapist clown would make, if he were breaking into your home with his giant clown shoes and red rubber nose. At times like these, you do the best you can. If the cat is sleeping on the bed with you, you pat her and let her know it’s ok, clowns aren’t really that scary. If the cat is not sleeping with you, you call out to her repeatedly until she hops up on the bed and lies down on you. And purrs. And then, of course, you pull the comforters over your head and repeat the protective mantra “go back to sleep go back to sleep go back to sleep!”
But last night was a doozie… I woke up screaming. I can’t remember ever doing that. Waking up with a yell or a shout, yes. But waking up screaming? No. And I can’t even remember what happened in the dream, because so many weird dreams came after that one. Including the one where I come to work in my white, terry cloth spa robe. The one I like to wear after taking a shower. Not as bad as coming to work naked, of course, but people do still look at you oddly. Anyway, in case you’ve never woken up screaming before, let me clue you in, it’s very unsettling. And the cat has no interesting in comforting you because you’ve scared the crap out of her. Pulling your covers over your head is not enough. Your normal mantra won’t work. Instead you have to sing “This Little Light of Mine… I’m Going to Let it Shine,” over and over. And you hear yourself ask the question you’ve never dared ask yourself before, “why didn’t I marry a NRA card carrying professional wrestler when my momma told me to?”
Speaking of scary, you should go see what happens at Marie’s house when she shoves a can of beer up a chicken’s butt and serves it for dinner. Tasty! No, seriously. It looks yummy.
If she were 3D, Amelia would be smacking her head against the wall.
“This is the single least expensive way to do it, bar none, no exceptions, the least expensive. *pause* There is one exception….”
“Wha.. wha.. what? Hang on… you can’t say bar none and then say there is another way!!”
“Shhhhh, Amelia, look – I turned the page on the kitten calendar! Aren’t May’s kittens cute? Widdle kitties…”
Yay me!
I finally finished my first book review over at Satan’s Bookclub. You wouldn’t think it would be so hard. I learned some lessons. Some hard, painful, life changing lessons.
- There is no shame in reviewing a book while intoxicated, as long as you spell check when you are done.
- Finish the book…. that’s right, the entire thing.
- If you are stuck, eat some deep friend potato foodstuffs. It helps.
- Trying to talk smack is not as easy as just talking smack.
- Take notes as you read the next book to review.
- Don’t read any books, articles or webpages about how to write a good book review, because they are crap.
If you’d like to be alerted when the next brilliant book review comes out, or the fabulous goings on in the bookclub itself, mosey on over to Satan’s Bookclub and sign up for the mail lists. What Jesus doesn’t know, won’t hurt him.
I went outside today…
and I have proof! This is Lake Sammamish. See all the pretty little daisy type flowers?
Well, here is my shoe, next to some of those daisy type flowers. Photographic evidence.
And, just for fun, here is a picture of the lake if I turned to my left.
Gorgeous! It was too much beauty! So overwhelming I had to go to Target and look at things under fluorescent lighting.
Please enjoy…
first ever recent photo of me on this blog. I am smirking. It took several smirks to get it right, Marie was acting as smirk judge. I have several. Smirks that is.
Don’t say I never did anything for you.
50 Word Fiction Vol. IV
This week’s 50 word fiction theme is inspired by my little brother, and my search referral phrases. Ever since I told you the story of going to “fucking Nova Scotia“, I get several Nova Scotia search strings a day. Yesterday’s crop gave me the following theme: your story should include vasectomies and Nova Scotia. Now, if you think that you can’t fit both in a story, that’s ok. But you only get the super extra gooey chocolate chippy bonus points if you have both. And you want the super extra gooey chocolate chippy bonus points, don’t you? Of course you do.
This means you, J.J.
“So, where is he?” she demanded, her frenzied packing halted while she listed to the voice on the phone. “Well, he’s sadly mistaken if he thinks Nova Scotia is far enough away. Wait until I get my hands on him!! I made it very clear … NO VASECTOMIES UNTIL 2013!!”
How to annoy Amelia
“No problemo… I just got an email from him with a bunch of details about the deal. Which I find incredibly ironic, since I just shot an email off to him 5 seconds before asking for details about the deal!”
“That’s not irony, you moron, it’s a coincidence!!”
“Shhh…Amelia, settle down.”
We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!
Finally, something that makes sense to me. The Unitarian Jihad. I’ve always known that Unitarians are kick ass, it’s about time we step up deal with prevalence of extreme fundamentalist thought, in this country. Read the article above, and then join the revolution and get your Unitarian Jihad Name.
“We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: “Sincerity is not enough.” We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it’s true doesn’t make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn’t mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone.”
My Unitarian Jihad Name is: Sister Nunchuku of Sweet Reason.
PS: Drink at Work Blog is my new favorite blog, and I got the link to the Unitarian Jihad name generator from there. In a post that shows that cartoonists are no more insane then girls who work in tech support for large software corporations. By the way, Amelia’s Unitarian Jihad name is Sister Spikey Mace of Enlightened Compassion.