Doncha hate it when you come home to find your house is not as clean as you thought it was, and you have company coming in from out of town tonight, but before you pick them up at the airport you have to go to your aunt’s candle party – want to more than have to – and so you don’t have much time to clean up but you are still stalling anyway? I know I do. At first, I came home to find a strange IM on my screen, and I didn’t recognize the screen name. So I told Fee that I would be unable to straighten up for her visit, because I needed to investigate this. Well, that only took like five seconds. It was Amy. But then we had to talk for a bit. I’ve been very chatty today, emails, chats, conversations and I even *gasp* made a phone call. One of the email conversations I was having mentioned porn, as all email conversations are wont to do. And I thought “hey… PORN! I wonder how Mr. Moon is doing.” So I called him up. Mrs. Moon has not been having fun with the second pregnancy, she’s been barfy all over the place. But he was happy to hear from me, and we chatted a bit. They won’t know for a few more weeks whether New Baby Moon is a girl or boy. Either way, I think that they should give it the middle name Blue. After all, Sophistry’s middle name is Crescent. If my last name was Moon, all my babies would have moon themed middle names. Crescent, Blue, Full, New, Harvest… Man on The… ummm… Blood… errrr…. Jupiter’s. Anyway, so, very chatty, yes. Back to stalling. After I was done telling Amy all about how Samantha on Bewitched really did wiggle her nose, it wasn’t special effects,* I decided to pretend I was too tired to clean, and climbed under the covers. But it’s not true. I’m not too tired. I just hate doing it. So now I’m blogging. I’m dying to tell you all about my morning dr. pepper rituals and my new edgars I’ve found since I moved into the house. [Edgars #15 and 16. Or as I like to think of them, Loud-Happy Edgar and Mumbling-Happy Edgar] I don’t know why, I could have told you about them months and months ago. But, oddly, I have a deep burning need to tell you today!! AAaaackk!!

Man, what a sucky host I am. I’m going to go take a shower before the candle party. At least I’ll be clean.

*this is true. The actress had a special little tick she used, it was actually her mouth moving back and forth. Therefore, it’s possible to learn how to do it. I told Amy it’s a life long dream of mine to be able to do it. She decided to write a paper on my progress. So far, no progress. But it’ll be genius when it’s done.

Last night Tessa [aka: Smackastasia] broke up with her guy. It turned out that he was just not that into her. She’s doing fine, but she does have one critical step to take. She needs to come up with a rude or defamatory nickname for him, that rhymes with his name. It’s essential for the “letting go” phase. She is the one who gets to do this because he was the one who was just not that into her. That’s the way it works, thems are the rules. Unfortunately, his name does not rhyme with prick. So she consulted google, to find a euphemism for penis that would rhyme with “ack.” She ran across this. I was thrilled because I really did not have much to talk about today. So a website that provides you with every euphemism for the penis known to the English speaking world was a lifesaver of blog fodder.

if i didn’t fuck up the comments page for a while.

It may look like a simple St. Patrick’s day blog theme to you. But I’m tellin’ ya, it’s more than a way to celebrate pie piece of my heritage, it’s also a fine way to annoy Louise! [not that you have try hard to do that.] Nothing gets her Scottish dander up like St. Patrick’s Day, in America at least. Everyone asking her why she’s not wearing green and celebrating. It’s loads of fun to watch! Her face gets all pinched.

I’m doing this all for her. Plus, my sheets are still in the dryer and I can’t go to bed until they are dry.

A BLACK Dragon Lies Beneath!

My inner dragon is one of two harmonious dragons (the other is White). Deep down I’m dark, foreboding, and just a tad wicked. *evil grin* Fun, no? Click the image to try the Inner Dragon Online Quiz for yourself.

“If there ever was an apparition of Evil to strike terror into the hearts of man and beast, your Inner Dragon is it. Blackies are a fairly common dragon and are considered one of two harmonious dragons. Your antithesis is the White Dragon. Together, you two embody the Yin and Yang concept of eastern religions (especially Taoism).

But of course, being a Blackie on the inside you couldn’t care less about that religion garbage. You like to chomp things, cause trouble, make off with people’s significant others, and so on and so forth. Your favorable attributes are night, the Moon, the stars, dreams, psychic guidance, balancing Karma, seeking truth, and helpful dark magic. Everybody’s still got to watch out for you though, because deep down you like to smite at random and have a nasty breath weapon combination of Fire and Acid. *evil grin* Fun, no? ”

Thanks for all the emails and comments about Josh. Currently, I do not know much more, but here is what I do know:

– he’s in intensive care with a lacerated spleen, kidney and liver. However, they have not yet felt the need for surgery.

– he has a broken hip, pelvis and shoulder. All his front teeth are knocked out.

– his brain and spine seem fine, my stepmother has spoken with him on the phone.

– he’s in a lot of pain, and therefore fairly doped up.

He was walking across the street, in a crosswalk, two cars were stopped at the red. While in the cross walk, the light turned green as he was stepping out from in front of the two stopped car, another car came down the third lane and hit him. Technically, he was jaywalking at that point.

She should be in Denver around five, and I am anxious to hear the details after she talks to the doctor. It’s been difficult to get information over the phone, due to privacy laws. And when she speaks to Josh, he’s not very coherent. I would feel a lot better if he were out of intensive care. Those two words scare me. it’s the internal damage that is keeping him there. Hopefully, the bleeding is minimal, they won’t have to operate, and the organs will regenerate and repair themselves.

Mostly I feel kinda sick about the whole thing. And, naturally, my brain looks for any reason to be distracted from work and chores, and this a really good one. I wish I was there. Or curled up in a little ball. One of the two. We’ll see what Faye says after she gets there. His recovery is going to be pretty long, so there may be other times he needs me there more. I am still really worried about the cost of his recovery. Especially the dental work. So I am going to have to win the lottery. Seriously. For reals this time.

Now, see, I set some limits on myself, by telling me I could not blog, or read the blogs of others, until I finished a few key items on my to-do list at work, and at home. I finished the big one at work today, but I no longer care that much about the other items. My brother was hit by a car today. I don’t know a lot of details, I’ve been getting emails from my stepmother. I know he got hit when he stepped off the curb. I know that at one point he was conscious and talking. The last time Faye talked to anyone it was one of his friends, and they don’t know the extent of the damage yet. They know most of his teeth were knocked out, he has a lacerated spleen, liver damage, a broken pelvis and a broken hip. Right now, Faye is grabbing some sleep so she can leave early and drive from Phoenix to Denver. So that’s all I am going to know tonight. Not only is his condition serious, his recovery will probably be long. And he is broke and without insurance. The state will probably cover the life saving stuff, but not the physical therapy, or extensive dental work that will be needed. I don’t even know if I should be even worrying about that right now, maybe I should just be hoping he pulls through tonight? I just don’t know.

My stomach is in knots….

Please excuse brief hiatus, I cannot come out to play until my room is clean and my homework is done.

A couple of weeks ago, someone had a box of Tagalongs at work. Girl Scout cookies. Now I have put in an order for girl scout cookies, with the first order form I saw put up by some parent at my Place of Employment. But they won’t be in until the first week of March. And yet… someone had a box of Tagalongs already. So, today, when I went to Safeway, I was hoping to see some Gscouts outside the store, hocking their wares. Sadly, no scouts.

Speaking of fundraising, however, I don’t know if they do this were y’all live, but here organizations take coupons to the products with a sticker that says “oh, you can use this coupon if you want, but if you are a GOOD PERSON you’ll donate the savings to the St. Muckymuck Academy Varsity Cheerleading Team.” I don’t know why, but I always resent these stickers. They piss me off. Like you have any choice! Of course you are going to donate the money. Otherwise the checkout clerk will look at you like you are a cold hearted bitch. And she’ll point you out to all the other clerks, “there’s the girl who wouldn’t give TWENTY FIVE CENTS to help the St. Muckymuck Academy Varsity Cheerleading Team raise money to go to the Cheerleading Championship in Daytona!” Boo-hiss, cold hearted bitch. It’s true, I don’t care about cheerleaders. I don’t let them wash my car, when I see them standing on the corner in their bikini tops, holding up signs and whooping. I wash my own damn car. Well, I drive it through the touch free car wash. I think the parents of the St. Muckymuck Academy Varsity Cheerleading Team should fork over the cash so their privileged children can go to cheer camp. I’m less inclined to get annoyed when it’s something like a softball team trying to raise money for equipment, but I still harbor this irrational resentment.

When I was a kid, we never taped coupons to things in grocery stores, we had to sell things ourselves. And I was shit at it. Which is probably why my career with the girl scouts was so short. [although, I like to tell people I got kicked out of the scouts for beating up a Brownie.] In high school, I belonged to the more service oriented organizations; Red Cross, Key Club. Or academic ones like French Club and National Honors Society. Key Club fund raisers weren’t bad, because we sold candy to our Ritalin deprived classmates. Blow-pops, I believe. They were a big hit. but NHS was horrible! They made us sell terrible trinkets door to door. Christmas tacky christmas ornaments and shit like that. Nothing you could sell to your fellow students. I think, one year, I went to maybe two houses before I decided that a career in sales was not for me. I never did well at fund raising. Some kids had parents who would take their order forms to work with them, and hit up their coworkers. Not me, my mom said I should do it myself. She probably thought it would build character or something. But I am chock-full of character! So I’d sell one to my parents and two to myself but make up fake names. That’s it.

So today, I when I took down a box of Honey Bunches of O’s [with Strawberries] a millisecond before before this mom was going to tape a coupons on said brand of cereal, I didn’t give in. She gave me a look, with a little smile, and I think I was supposed to hold out my box of cereal so she could tape a coupon on it. Instead, I gave her a look that clearly stated, “get your god damn fund raising coupon away from me, soccer mom! Let your kids go out and shill crap themselves! I hear it builds character.”

Love #2

I believe that I have mentioned, in the last few days, that I have just started watching Season Four of Oz. And so has Fee. We are, more or less, in sync. So we’ve been discussing and dissecting. My absolute favorite character is Ryan O’ Riley. That is the best character ever. He’s so sneaky and manipulative; and utterly charming. He gets away with everything because he’s slicker than snot. Of course, he’s a bit psychotic, and he’ll order your husband killed if he falls in love with you. Oh, such passion! It’s ok, I don’t even have a husband. Earlier this week, I declared my love for Ryan O ‘Riley, he is my Fictional Prison Inmate Boyfriend. Fee says that he is “too cocky” for her. *snicker* cocky!

“Fee, I want to save Ryan O’ Riley from his life of incarceration and violence. I know my love will save him, it will bring him peace. If I just love him enough. And really, it’s my fault, if I didn’t make him so angry, he wouldn’t have to hit me. He apologized for it! Said it would never happen again and that he loved me. If I just learned to be sweeter, have dinner ready on time, fix myself up a bit, and never ever ever run out of beer again, we would be so happy!”

Yes, I know it’s a television show. I’m joking. Some guy ever hit me, I’d flatten him.

Oh Valentine’s Day… love is in the air. There’s just a whole lotta love, and don’t think I am immune. I declared my love 5 times in the last week. Here is the first installment of my touching stories of love. A Valentine’s Day special, if you will.

Love #1

When people come to you with technical problems, they don’t always posses the communication skills to tell you their troubles. An example would be a customer calling up phone support and saying, “My Microsoft is broken.” You don’t know if they mean windows, or word, or office or what. Although I do live in Redmond, I don’t work at Microsoft, but I have heard the equivalent with my customers. So customers or coworkers that give clear issue statements gain a special place in my heart. After having just such a “my microsoft is broken” experience with a coworker, I was blown away by my next issue. The customer had written a 3 page letter describing, in great detail, the workflow followed to create their document. To the most minute detail. The minnie minnie minnie minute detail. The only problem was, with that much information, it was impossible for me to really understand what was going on, couldn’t see the forest through the trees and all that. And the letter had a spooky sort of cadence to it. I read it out loud to Evildeb. “It places a .5 point keyline around the graphic. It does this whenever it is told. Or it gets the hose again, doesn’t it Precious?”

Regardless, it was a thing of beauty. And I told Evildeb, “I love this guy! I love this customer! I. LOVE. THIS. CUSTOMER. This letter is priceless.”

“Why don’t you marry him then?”

“Maybe I will, except I don’t know his name, or even if it’s a man. Our love, and union, may be damned in the eyes of our current administration.”