I realized I never told you guys what to do if you are a: American and b: in Canada with no ID. Well, that depends. If you have a passport, the consulate can help you, as passports are issued by the state department. However, if you are in the country with a missing birth certificate and dr’s license, don’t bother. The first day you try will end up being a Canadian holiday like BC day, and they will be closed. And the second day, you will spend hours waiting and waiting, only to find out that they can’t help you and you should return to Victoria, file a police report and just go to the border. But, you won’t go back to Victoria until the next day, because you’ve already paid for another night in that really nice, albeit expensive, hotel room and you are not leaving until one minute before check out time. Not without the use of excessive force. Oooo, and just for fun, get ready to take the first ferry to the states on a day when homeland security has raised the alert due to terrorist activities. Hint, they won’t let you on the boat if you don’t have a reservation. At this point, it’s time to laugh, because of course homeland security has raised the alert on the day when you are trying to cross the border with no id. However, don’t worry, you’ll actually drive across the border in Vancouver with very little trouble. Go figure.

You know, I had all these great stories about my time in Victoria and Vancouver, but because I didn’t blog them right away, they’ve become a bit fuzzy. Like the drunk, probably domicile challenged, man we stopped to talk to that first night. He was telling us about an altercation he had with a man across the street. Apparently our guy had always been very generous when he found himself with weed, but the guy across the street was not so into sharing, and things got heated. The stingy man mentioned that he had a knife, and our guy explained that he was not at all worried about that knife, as he planned to punch him the throat and then step on his head. I wish I could remember more of the details, because it was vastly entertaining, but all i can remember was how enchanted I was with his threats. Every time he mentioned what he planned to do to his buddy, I would echo back in a yell “YEAH!!! PUNCH HIM THE NECK! AND THEN STEP ON HIS HEAD!!”

Then there was the night we had to have KFC. You know how that is. So we found the nearest one to our hotel, and had valet bring my car around, so we could go get a bucket o’ chicken. That’s class. But there were protesters outside of the KFC. Something about chicken cruelty. And they were actually wearing bathing suits, some of them. Wil, being a nice polite Canadian boy, gave pause to the idea of crossing their picket line. But I’m an American, and therefore I thirst blood. Causing a ruckus is what we do best. So I said, “Let me handle this.”

I appreciate everyone’s right to stand up for their cause. And I am really not all that into chicken cruelty. I don’t really like chickens. Live ones, that is. But I’m not sure I want them treated poorly. But I had a mission. And a craving. So I walked up to the protesters who gave me a flyer and told me I could eat for free at some restaurant, if I did not eat at KFC, I don’t know where, General Tsu’s House of Cardboard Teriyaki Tofu or something, and said, “Look, I don’t mean to be disrespectful, but no thank you. My baby wants chicken, and I’m going to get him some.”

I swear to god they practically held the door for me. So cute!