blogging, shopping

Under Where

The other day, while I was Christmas shopping, something awkward and uncomfortable happened to me. And it occurred that this is just the type of awkward and uncomfortable thing that I used to blog about. And somehow made it funnier than it really was.

I’m not sure if I can do that this time, I’m rusty. Basically you can blame my attempted return to blogging on my underpants. Which slid down off my butt and down my thighs while I was shopping, hanging on only by the juncture of the two legs of my yoga pants. (I hate the word crotch. It’s ugly. Someone give me a better word, please.) Sure, yes, I tried backing up to a wall and hiking them up, but only a somewhat waddled trip to the washroom would return them to their original position. It was there that I thought about blogging again.

Message received, underpants.

shopping, work

Can you keep a secret? I’m trying to organize a prison break. We have to first get out of this bar, then the hotel, then the city, and then the country. Are you in or you out?

It’s a pretty busy week. I’m not sure what that means, blogwise. I’m predicting quiet. But often, it means I write more than ever. Especially since of the “action items” on my list aren’t all that entertaining.

I went to the mall on Saturday with my cousin. It could have been much much worse. I introduced her to the joy that is the $4 valet parking. Worth. Every. Penny. We returned wedding presents at Macy’s, during which time I picked out six or seven different types of fine china. I have to say, I don’t spend a whole lot of time looking at fine china. I can’t even remember the last time I looked at any. But fine china design seems to have improved greatly in the last few years. I counted several options that featured neither flora, nor fauna. Or squirrelly curly-Q’s and patterns. Who knew.

After a lovely lunch featuring pasta and salad, we headed over to the new Container Store that just opened up. And that’s when I lost my head. And ran into my mom, for that matter. I really really love products that help you get organized. I always think, not unlike cleaning products, that this is the purchase that is finally going to do it for me. Finally, I will have all my paperwork, receipts, pay stubs, tax returns, birthday certificates, etc. filed away neatly. I’ll be able to find anything at a moments notice. A place for everything and everything in it’s place. And, just like all those cleaning products I buy, I’m let down. Turns out, no matter what bright shiny thing I buy, I still have to do the actual organizing. Nonetheless, I love these kinds of stores. The Container Store is no different than Storables, which is just down the street. With one major exception. The Gift Wrap Wonderland!

I love me some wrapping paper, christmas paper best of all. Escaping to the back storeroom to wrap customer presents was the only thing I liked to do, when I worked at Hallmark. The examples on the website do not do the Gift Wrap Wonderland justice. My first theme of papers and ribbons were all jewel tones and gold. And then I switched to something more contemporary and witty. And I was ready to switch themes again, but Kirsten would not let me. It’s just that there were sooooo many lovely papers and ribbons! I could barely stand all the wrapping paper stimuli! As we looked around the store, it went a bit like this.

*Looking at media shelving*

“I want to change my theme.”




*looking at shoe storage and sock organizers*

“I want to change my theme!”


*looking at desk chairs*

“I want to change my theme.”


*looking at stay fresh food storage systems*

“I want to change my theme.”

“Fine! Go change your theme!”

“No… I guess I’ll just stick with this.”


Amelia, shopping

Amelia and shopping for gay socks

Amelia: What are you doing?

Me: I am chatting … with all my many online boyfriends.

Amelia: Really? How many online boyfriends do you have?

Me: oh, about 7. or maybe 9.

Amelia: Uh-huh. And how many of these online boyfriends know they are your online boyfriends?

Me: oh, all of them. They adore me.

Amelia: Jodi… how many of these online boyfriends are real?

Me: uhh…. real?

Amelia: Yes, as in they exist outside of your imagination. You are chatting with Deb, aren’t you?

Me: Shut up!

Amelia: About case notes, you are chatting with Deb about case notes.

Me: You ruin everything!

Amelia: You know you have issues, don’t you?

Me: duh. I’m talking to a poster!

Amelia: Exhibit A for the prosecution.

Tonight Dr. Stevil has plans to go sock shopping with his friend. They are attending a brunch at the house of a friend who has recently redone his floors. Everyone has to take their shoes off. So they are going shopping for killer socks.

Me: That is so gay!

Dr. S: I know! Isn’t it great?

Me: Only gay men and girls would… no, you know what? Even women would not go shopping for special socks in this situation. They would think about their socks, make sure they are clean, don’t have holes and match what they are wearing. But they wouldn’t go shopping for special socks.

Dr. S: What about when you went to Vegas? For the Las Vegas Pajama Party. You shopped for special pajamas.

Me: That’s different. That’s an entire outfit. These are socks.


Relax, would you? We have seventy dollars and a pair of girls underpants. We’re safe as kittens.

i have a ton of laundry to do. a huge freakiní ton. most people who know me, know that i have laundry issues, due to the fact that i have no washer and dryer in my apartment. i have to go to the basement. the basement is a busy busy place, and it stresses me out. getting a washer is just part of the problem. washer cycles last for under 30 minutes. dryer cycles last 60 minutes. can you see the problem? you donít just need a washer, but you need a dryer thatís going to be available in 30 minutes. and there are people out there that donít care if their laundry is done, and sitting in a washer and dryer. they have better things to do. these are the selfish people. the only thing worse than being caught dragging someoneís dry clothes out of a dryer, is being caught dumping their wet clothes on the folding table, in order to get into the washer. i donít want other people touching my clothes.. iím very conscientious about getting downstairs BEFORE the washer or dryer stops. iím in the minority. anyway, i find the whole thing stressful. iíve been known to stay up late in order to wash clothes at 1 am. because people who leave their clothes in the dryer at one am are probably not going to come back down that night to take them out. [those people are the worst people in my book. i donít even try to shake things out and lay them flat on the folding table, i just leave them wadded up in a clothing ball.] i used to drop my laundry off at a laundry place. itís more expensive than doing it yourself. but itís sooooo nice… getting all your laundry back clean and folded all pretty. and this guy is an ORIGAMI ARTIST when it comes to folding the fitted sheets. but the IRS stole that joy from my life as well. bastards.
the point is, pretty much everything i wear is dirty. two rooms and part of the hallway are now carpeted with dirty clothes. [itís kind of nice and cushiony. bouncy. the kitten likes it.] and thatís why iíve gone to target so many times this week. for clean underwear. and, like the optimistic dope i am, iíve only purchased one pair at a time. because certainly i will do laundry tomorrow. right? ha! the first pair of underpants i bought are a ìboy shortsî style, that ride low on the hips and extend lower on the leg. they are white with strawberries on them. loved them! iím basically ok with anything as long as it rides lower, on the hips. i hate underwear that rides on your waste. no matter how sexy they might seem in their entirety, they feel like granny pants. the next night, i went back. this time, i decided to replace one of my cheap $10 bras that was falling apart. buying bras for $10 at target is my absolute favorite thing to do. if the only last 3 months, they still do better than the $30 bras i used to have to buy before the surgery. plus, every single style comes in my size. every single one. once i became a c cup, i went right out and bought soft cottony bras that looked like they were made out of tshirts, and yet still had underwire. this was never an option for me with the old boobies. but this night, i decided to go for something different. i bought a pretty satin bra, with lace trim, in a color called ìmink.î and the matching boy short pants. the only problem is, the lace… itís itches. and the underpants do not ride lower enough, they are decidedly TOO close to the waste. but… they are satiny. and they give me a new sensation iíve never felt before… slinky butt. my butt feels all slinky in my pants. i like it. i still think that they could ride lower, tho. my ass is expansive enough to create the slinky butt sensation without the underpants going up to my waste. iíve never, in my life, had matching bra and panties. never. it just wasnít really an option for me before. i wonder if i can just cut the lace off that bra?
so yesterday, i decided to be smart, i bought three new pairs of underpants, bikinis. and low and behold, there was a matching soft cottony, sporty white bra with purple polka dots. so i had to have that too. iím all about the matching now. iím wearing it now. mmmm… cottony sport comfort, with matching cuteness. makes me feel all sassy.