Today I will be going to the gym for the third time this week. I don’t want to. I want, so badly, to find some way to entice Wm to just come home after work so we can eat potato chips and baked goods and watch Thursday night comedies. But I won’t. I’ll meet him at the gym and do my first week walking workout.

This winter was not our best for responsible behavior, I have to admit. Wm was dealing with the low feelings that come with unemployment and I was dealing with a resurgence of depression and, unbeknownst to me, anemia. Neither of us were too interested in keeping the house clean. I didn’t have the energy to make healthy changes for myself, let alone encourage him to make them. I could barely stay awake the entire day. It wasn’t pretty and the house was a pig stye. And the idea of doing anything about was entirely too overwhelming. Story of my life.

Then Wm said, “We are killing each other.”

That was upsetting because it was true. We were feeding into each others worse most unhealthy and irresponsible behaviors. And it was a real wake up call for me. I wanted to be something good in his life, not something that drug him down into my depression.

Ever since that day, I’ve been making baby steps towards making a healthy life for both us. Three weeks on iron pills has made a world of difference in my energy level. I’ve switched to a different antidepressant. A 15 mins of cleaning/ 15 mins not cleaning system has helped me start getting the house in order. We’ve both been working on better habits to keep a tidy house.

Wm’s been making friends at work, and hanging out with them, which makes him happy. Last night, I even went out with them. I don’t mind being the only girl. It’s cool. I need to get out of the house more.

I’ve begun to bring home fewer chips and more fruits and vegetables. We’ve discussed going on Weight Watchers, and the dietary changes I’ve been making are leading up to that. Again, starting immediately just seemed so overwhelming. So we babystep. This week we’ve started meeting at the gym after Wm gets off work.

And that is why I will not try to entice Wm to just come home after work and play Portal 2. Because we’d rather love each other than kill each other.