I’ll buy running shoes. We’ll take up yoga or jogging. You know, we’ll be organized. Pay our bills, floss our teeth. We won’t set fire to the apartment anymore. I’ll buy a goldfish, and we’ll be like normal people.

For the last few weeks, I have been attending a Restorative Yoga class, once a week, with Airdre. And, I have to confess, I’m not very good at it. (Although my teachers say, every week that this is yoga practice, not yoga perfect.) I can only imagine how delightful this class must be for people with busy, stressful, lives.

You would think that someone as inherently lazy as I am would be aces* at a class of relaxing in different positions with pillows and blankets. At regulated breathing and quieting the mind. Wrong! I am an incredibly twitchy person, it seems. And my mind? Here we are, supposed to be concentrating on something we want more of in our lives, such as love or heath or some such shit, and all I can think about is taking over Russia with Wil when he gets home from work! Thinking about warfare, even fake warfare, when you are supposed to be breathing peace is just wrong. Or I write blog posts. It would sadden you to know that my most brilliant blog posts exist only in my mind during yoga, or when I am trying to fall asleep, never to make it out onto page. Seriously… GENIUS stuff.

I try to wrangle my brain back in. I try to concentrate on my breathing. I try saying a word, in my mind, when I breath in, and another when I breath out. I try to make them positive words, but they usually end up being “cheeeeeeeese burgeeeerrrrrrr.” The millisecond I stop focusing, which is often, I am backing to thinking about anything but relaxing. Last week was particularly difficult as I had had a bad headache that day, so I had taken a couple of excedrin. And I had also had a big gulp of Dr Pepper, which is unusual these days. I was over caffeinated and buzzing like a bumblebee. And I kept thinking about swimming. And bunnies. Bunnies… hopping happy bunnies bunnies BUNNIES I love bunnies need more bunnies in my life HOP HOP HOP omigod bunnies are AWESOME. Whoosh! And food and food, mmmm… cheese burgers.. steak I LIKE MEAT! And ick, I need to clean the house. I hate cleaning house. In what order should I clean the rooms? Start in the kitchen and go in circle until I end the living room? Maybe I should go the opposite way for once, except … all those dirty dishes. Forget it, let’s think about war instead. Russia is going down. Oh it’s on, Catherine the Great.

Let’s face it, I’m a mental AND physical spaz. But I keep practicing. The first day I was back after the flu, I was still terribly congested. I brought in a box of kleenix and a plastic bag to put my used tissues in, as I didn’t go more than 5 mins without blowing my nose or coughing up a piece of my lung. It’s very quiet and dark and relaxed in yoga, and one of the teachers came over and asked if she could do some energy work on me, which I said was fine. Airdre later told me she is a reiki master. That is just about the sweetest thing ever. Whether or not your are into energy work, to have someone come over to you and work their healing craft on you.. the sincere intention that you feel better is beneficial in of itself.

*You know what I am truly aces at? Procrastination. I could go pro in procrastination. I wish there was a procrastination olympics, except I’d probably miss the sign up.